To Be With You
by Jelly Bean Jenna
Summary: :"I can't be a cop and be with you". He let those few words with so much meaning tumble so freely from his lips and he meant what he said when he uttered them, he couldn't be a cop and be with her. His words had been said with conviction, baring the truth behind them, a truth she may never know or fully understand.
1. Chapter 1

Summary - "I can't be a cop and be with you". He let those few words with so much meaning tumble so freely from his lips and he meant what he said when he uttered them, he couldn't be a cop and be with her. His words had been said with conviction, baring the truth behind them, a truth she may never know or fully understand. They held a tinge of anger, laced with raw emotion and in turn held an unspoken promise, kept a secret, one only he would ever know.

Thanks to everyone that has read, reviewed, followed any of my fics! Hope you will enjoy this one too.

Special thanks to Kelly2727, especially for naming this fic!

I haven't seen any of season 3, but have seen some promos- (thanks YouTube!), this is based on what I've seen & my own ideas.

Disclaimer; anything you recognize is not mine, anything you don't, well that was me!

**Chapter 1 **

Sam watched as Andy spun on her heel, and walked away, her shoulders slumped in defeat, one hand out of view, probably holding her mouth from uttering the sob he knew she was close to letting out, or maybe it was wiping away her silent tears.

She had stared at him blankly when he had said those words, before her eyes flashed with the most sorrow he had ever seen in anyone's eyes, before she pulled her lips into a tight line, turned around and walked away.

Without saying a word.

Without showing any emotion other than the sorrow she no longer even tried to cover up.

Whether her sorrow was at the loss of Jerry, or the fact that he had just so callously and cold heartedly blamed her for it, or the fact that he let those few words with so much meaning tumble so freely from his lips he wasn't sure, but he meant what he said when he uttered them, he couldn't be a cop and be with her.

His words had been said with conviction, baring the truth behind them, a truth she may never know or fully understand. They held a tinge of anger, laced with raw emotion and in turn held an unspoken promise, but they too kept a secret, one only he would ever know.

He watched her until she was out of sight, yet he remained rooted to the spot long after her retreating body become only a memory. He didn't trust himself to stop her from walking away, couldn't take the risk. Couldn't allow himself to be in the position he was mere hours before. Only with her laying on the floor bleeding out instead of Jerry. Or have her kneeling next to him as he bled out, watching his life ebb away on the crimson lifeline that seeped out of his body as he lay dying instead of Jerry.

They had come to close to making the wrong decision and going after the cab driver, instead of the bartender. He had almost made her follow Jerry's hunch instead of trusting her own gut. And where would that have left them?

Instead of attending Jerry's funeral tomorrow, he would possibly be burying her. Instead of attending Jerry's funeral tomorrow, he could be laying in the morgue with her attending his funeral.

Instead of having her comfort Traci by being with her and Leo, Traci would be comforting Andy who would no doubt be wrapped in the sadness of mourning his loss. Because she had told him exactly how she felt when she had uttered those three little words.

Three little words that she was not just throwing around when she said them. Three little words she did not expect him to say back. Three little words that she had said at the most unconventional time, said so freely and honestly, giving them to him and not expecting them or anything else in return.

He was making the right choice by letting her go. He was protecting her, keeping her safe like he was supposed to. Like he promised himself he would.

No matter the consequences of his actions he was doing the right thing. No matter how much his heart was breaking at the loss of one of his best friends, or someone more like a brother, no matter how much his heart was breaking at watching her walk away, letting her go was the best way of protecting her.

And himself.

How would he ever handle the pain of losing her? Working together posed the threat that he could watch her die. Cradle her in his arms as she drew her last breaths. But it also posed the threat that she could watch him die, stand by helplessly as he drew his last breaths.

That was something he never wanted her to see, or feel or go through. If he was feeling this amount of heart wrenching devastation at losing Jerry, how would he handle the emotions he would feel at losing her.

As intense as their feelings were for each other, there was always the possibility that one day one of them would be standing in Traci's shoes, while the other was laying in Jerry's grave.

And the single most important promise he had made to himself and her was that he would never break her heart. Never destroy what she felt for him by being a person he wasn't, doing things to her she didn't deserve.

She had once mentioned that she never wanted him to just walk away, choose the door, if things got rough, but this time he let her choose the door, let her walk away by forcing her to step through that threshold.

A decision he had not taken lightly in making. Especially now with the immense amount of sadness he was feeling but couldn't show. The searing pain at facing a day tomorrow without Jerry had aided in making his decision, because tomorrow would be a day, void of Jerry's wicked sense of humour, and enthusiasm in life, his carefree nature and loyalty to his co-workers at fifteen, his friends at fifteen, and most of all his unbound devotion to Traci Nash and her son. Even though Leo was not his son by bloodlines, Leo was his son by the irrevocable love he had for the child and his mother.

Tomorrow they would start a new life by bidding farewell to another, they would start a life without the love and warmth of Jerry being in theirs, and could he ever say that he could start a new life without McNally in it? Could he ever say that she would be able to face life without him in it, when he had made the mistake of always promising to be there when she needed him, be there when it mattered?

It was only a mistake in promising something he couldn't guarantee that he would always be there. It was a promise he couldn't keep. And if there were two things Sam Swarek did not do it was make promises he couldn't keep, or break the promises he did make, and lie. He did not lie, only spoke the truth sometimes in a warped way if it meant that it would keep him alive especially undercover. That's why he told his rookie to keep the cover story as close to the truth as possible.

People get caught up in their lies; lose sight of reality and themselves.

He would be lying if he said he was not regretting the fact that he had not gone with Jerry. He would tell another lie if he said he didn't blame himself for Jerry's death. He would still be lying if he said he really blamed Andy as he implied to her face that he did. He did blame someone, himself, but let her believe that it was her he blamed, because it helped him push her away.

That wasn't lying, that was letting her bend the truth as she saw fit, letting her believe what she had to believe to keep her safe, to keep her heart intact.

Letting her believe her own lie that was probably one of the worst things he had ever done, and by far the worst thing he had ever done to her. Letting her believe her own lie. Letting her believe that she was responsible for Jerry losing his life. When in fact he was more than a little relieved that it had not been her taking Jerry's place.

The thought caused immense guilt to wrap its clutches around his broken heart. His friend had died, to save the life of one of their own, protect her, as if it was it was a choice Jerry had willingly made, his life in exchange for the life of Gail Peck. A young woman, who had yet to live life, was still alive because Jerry did what he did best, made a sacrifice. Sacrificed himself to save a young life. He knew Jerry would have done it for any number of nameless, faceless people because that was who Jerry was.

Jerry was selfless. Jerry was caring, giving, living, devoted and dead.

Gone.

Never coming back.

And the only thought that ravished his mind was that he was more than grateful to whatever God there was that it had not been Andy. That it had not been her to make the ultimate sacrifice, by trading her life to save or protect another.

Because he knew without a doubt that she would do it without a moment's hesitation, without a second thought.

And although he felt immeasurable guilt for feeling that sense of relief, he never wanted to face that possibility.

A Tomorrow without Andy McNally in it.

Disgusted with his own thoughts, Sam ran a hand over his face and scoffed out loud at his own selfishness.

He was a selfish son of a bitch when it came to Andy McNally, not willing to share her with the world, he wanted her for himself. Not a piece of her, or a part of her, he wanted the whole entire entity of Andy McNally.

All or nothing.

That's why he would be lying if he said he was still sure he made the right choice by letting her go. He would be lying if he said he didn't want her, to be there when she needed to be comforted and when she needed him. He wasn't the only one facing loss now, she was too, only it was harder on her because she had to be strong for Traci and Leo and he knew she was trying to be strong for him too. It weighed her heart down more because she would forever live with the fact that she had been the one to tell her best friend that the love of her life, the only person able to ever convince her that marriage was an option, was never coming home. Never waking up next to her, never gonna smile at her, never anything more.

She had been the one to hold her best friend as she broke the news, as sobs wrecked her body and her knees gave way. She had been the one to slump down to the floor holding her friend as she let herself comfort someone who needed it more than she did. She had been the one to sit on the floor in the hallway whispering words of love into her friends ear just because she could and because she wanted to.

She is the one that has to continue being there for her friend when she needs her, not because she is obligated to, but because she wouldn't want to be anywhere else. She is the one that has to live in the aftermath of the events and watch her friend suffer, and she will suffer with her, because that is who she is.

She is the one that will have that heartache burned into her memories forever, whereas he was just facing an incredible loss, the loss of an irreplaceable friend. She would forever live with the friend that faced a loss of something or rather someone more.

As he let out another huffed breath, he realized that he had broken his promise to be there for her. When she needed him. She was dealing with the circumstances of life on her own, because he was scared.

He was scared that next time it would be her.

He was scared that he faced the possibilities of life without her in it.

He was scared of losing her because he loved her like no other.

He knew it, but even though she had said it to him, he couldn't say it back. He couldn't say it because if he said it and one day she wasn't there to say it to anymore, he would never survive the loss. He would never be able to say it just once.

He would never be able to say it to another.

He knew she knew he loved her, but she had no idea how much, no idea how intense, or insanely engulfed in that emotion he was when it came to her.

She had no idea that if they had followed Jerry's hunch and gone to find the cab driver, that he would have willingly made Jerry's sacrifice for her. Willingly ended his life to save hers. Willingly broken her heart and willingly let himself out of her life.

Willingly left her alone.

When he promised to always be there.

Although he had broken his promise to be there, he was still here to be in her life. And her in his. Even though not as his anymore, she was still here.

And he would rather have her in his life than not have her at all, or lose her, so maybe he was still selfish or maybe he was selfless, he didn't know.

The only thing he was sure of was that he needed her in his life, in one capacity or another. He needed her to be safe and her heart in one piece. He needed her, simply because of the fact that he was still and always would be irrevocably, utterly and unconditionally in love with her.

So for him to make the sacrifice of letting her go was in some ways hard, and in other ways easy.

He was breaking his own heart more than it had ever been broken, to save her the sorrow of one day feeling the pain now settling in the Nash household. How it may one day settle in on the Shaw household, or the Diaz or Epstein or Best households. How it could have possibly settled in on theirs one day.

He was willingly breaking his own heart to do what he always wanted to do when it came to her- simply keep the pain away, dissolve all the stress and heartbreak life threw their way. He was removing himself from the eternal worrisome equation of life.

But that would not alter the facts - the fact that Jerry gone, the fact that he loved Andy McNally more than his own life, the fact that he had broken his promise, the fact that he had probably broken her heart, the fact that he let her believe a lie.

The fact that he meant it when he said he could not be a cop and be with her, because given the choice he would choose her every single time.

Was that something she could live with? Something she could face?

Could she accept such love, after all the loss of love she had faced in her lifetime, a love that would choose her over anything and everything else?

As the minutes spun by, Sam felt the last remaining pieces of his heart break. Tomorrow he would bury his friend, and start a new day where Andy McNally was no longer his McNally.

As he left, and made his way back to the barn, he knew one thing was certain, he would have to battle a lot more than the sense of loss come tomorrow.

He would have to fight off the sense of longing he already began to feel, having felt her touch.

The sense of emptiness at the loss of her scent, having smelt it linger really close to him.

The sense of something missing was already there as he looked over expecting to see her sitting next to him. How would that feel in the morning when he woke up and reached over for her, his hands to only find cold, empty sheets beside him.

The sense of numbness was sure to accompany the others as he would watch her from a distance when he wanted nothing more than to hold her close, the sense of fear would hover when he wouldn't know where she was, who she's with, what she's doing, or if she's safe. The sense of stupidity suddenly slammed his mind as he realized that he would not be able to pull her close and hold her hand, whisper kisses over her face or carelessly kiss her lips. Or have her draw mindless patterns over his chest before she fell asleep. Or have her dance around the kitchen while making him coffee in the morning, when she didn't know he was watching her. Or any of the other tiny little things that made his day.

Suddenly tomorrow seemed more than a little empty, it seemed pointless.

Expecting to find Andy somewhere in the barn, Sam let his eyes silently sweep over the room as he made his way to the locker room, before he felt a familiar presence hover around him.

_"She's not here"._ Oliver's voice was not prying; it was more explanatory, with understanding.

_"Um...yeah"._ Sam mumbled as his faltering stride evened out.

_"Look Sammy, I'm not one to medal, but you're wrong. She didn't deserve that. Not now, and not ever. I told you once before to talk to her, and I mean it this time when I tell you, you need to talk to her"._ Oliver had never dared to be forceful with Sam, it wasn't his nature. But this time he needed Sam to understand that this was not the way this had to play out.

But Sam kept walking, emotions were running high and fear was instilled into the heart of every cop in Toronto, now was not the time to let personal friendships be drifted into a love hate relationship because you were on edge.

******so do you want more? And let me know what you think, in an awesome review!**


	2. Chapter 2

Wow the only way to describe the reviews and follows is explosive!. Thanks you guys are all awesomely amazing! Coz you asked for more, here goes, hope you enjoy.

Thanks to Kelly2727 as always!

**Chapter 2**

Sam felt Oliver suddenly grab his forearm as he reached the door of the locker room, causing them to come to an abrupt halt outside the door, Sam spun around as he yanked his arm free of Oliver's grip. His eyes flashing a hardened stare in Oliver's direction.

_"Trust me when I say you do not wanna do this now, you of all people should know that by letting her go the way you did is more than a little wrong and more than really harsh, we all feel it now, her more than anyone. Think about it, every single emotion she felt when Brennan took you have resurfaced, and she blamed herself then and you tell her it's her fault now, and that you'd rather be a cop than be with her? Sammy you're insane! You are the one person that she has to lean on now and what do you do? Rip her heart out more than it was already. I wish you had seen her when she came in here, I wish you could have seen what you did to her, she couldn't even stand on her own two feet. She refused to go to Traci's because she's not in any state to be around someone going through what Traci's going through right now, so she's gone to hideout and check on Gail. She won't go home coz she doesn't wanna be alone. You have no idea that you're making the worst mistake of your life, so my words of advice to you are go and find her and TALK to her"._ Oliver's aggressive approach surprised Sam as he found himself stepping backwards until his back met the locker room door.

Oliver had never spoken to anyone other than a suspect like that and only ever when the suspect was aggressive, but never had Sam heard more pleading anger in his voice than now. Never had he heard Oliver more pleading in his tone, other than the day he walked in on him talking to Zoe on the phone when they recently hit a really rough patch.

Whatever happened when McNally came back to the barn had shaken Oliver up to the point that he attacked Sam unprovoked.

_"Are we done here?"_ Sam asked raising an eyebrow before stepping backwards into the locker room as Oliver lifted his hands up in surrender and backed away.

Sam would have thought that Oliver knew him well enough to know that his feeling mirrored Andy's. That he was feeling just as lost without her as she sounded without him. But he respected Oliver more now for his little confrontation. He was after all looking out for one of their own, and in an indirect way for Sam too. That meant a lot by way of friendship. That's was one of the defining bonds that held their brotherhood so tightly bound, so lingeringly intact, you watched your brothers back, and that of his better half too, no matter what. She was bound by the strings of that brotherhood, whether she knew it or not, she just simply was, she didn't have a choice in the matter.

That was always a silent understanding between them, an unspoken promise. Whether Andy knew it or Zoe, Noelle or Traci, it didn't matter, it was just how it was.

Sam left the barn 20 minutes later, making his way into his eerily silent house. He was used to Andy being with him or being over at her apartment. This was not how he wanted things, but life would be better if he held his ground and stuck by his decision to let her go. This was how it had to be.

For her.

Everything was always for her, or about her. Nothing would ever change that. But he knew he could never keep his promises if he was ordered to take another UC. He was too reckless, life too unpredictable to spare her the pain.

Grabbing a beer Sam flopped down on the couch without turning on the lights or tv, he let his mind rather run a reel of memories of Jerry.

Like the time he lost a bet at poker and had to shave his hair...

Andy felt sick to her stomach as she heard Sam's words. She watched him utter them without any sign of regret or remorse at having said them.

She saw the truth his gaze held when his breath filled with the harsh formulation of those words.

He meant them when he said them.

It was almost as though the world stopped spinning, and time froze.

Her heart shuddered before it stopped, suspended in her chest as its beats slowly subsided to non-existent.

Then a deafening ring of numbness rang through her ears, replacing the cold tone of his words, its rhythmic boom-da-boom, boom-da-boom repeating over and over. Before she realized that it was her heartbeat running so wildly that its sound threatened to swallow her.

Those few words caused her heart to stop, and then speed up like a runaway train, before her heart exploded into tiny fragments, breaking in silence.

Then she turned and fled.

Arriving at the barn in such a daze she didn't realize what she was doing until she slammed into a hard force before the ground came rushing up to meet her.

Sprawling backwards she felt the pull gravity had on her until she met another solid entity when she hit the ground.

_"You okay there McNally?"_ Oliver said as he stepped forwards and held out his hand to help her up.

She held out her own hand and let him pull her up before flinging herself at him and letting her emotional barrier crumble as she let the tears take over.

_"Andy?"_ Oliver whispered in surprise as he hesitantly wrapped her in a hug.

She just shook her head signalling that she was anything but ok.

Seconds later, she pulled out of his arms at warp speed before running down the hallway to storm into the ladies locker room with enough force to make the sounds of the slamming door reverberate through the barn.

Looking around for any female help Oliver drew a blank. Nash was at home, grieving over Jerry, Peck was in a coma in the hospital after being drugged, taken and beaten by a scumbag, and Noelle was having her baby so that left him.

None of the other male officers filling the barn were anywhere near as close to her as he was, so that left only one thing to do.

Following Andy into the locker room, Oliver found her slumped on the floor next to the toilet in a cubicle, her head down, resting on her knees as she curled herself up, her back resting against the wall.

He could hear the toilet refilling with water, indicating that she had obviously just thrown the contents of her stomach up before he came through the door.

_"Andy?"_ Oliver whispered as he approached, his eyes scanning the thankfully empty locker room.

She just held up her hand as if she was trying to ward him off.

_"I'm ok, fine"_

_"Andy you're not fine"_ Oliver whispered as he sat next to her on the floor, mirroring her posture, well except for the tears.

_"Oliver... I can't do this right now, okay, I said I'm fine". _

Well she certainly was defensive.

_"Have you told Sam?"_ Was the only thing Oliver could think to say.

_"What?..Um told Sam what?"_ Andy's head snapped up as she turned to look at Oliver with wide red rimmed eyes and tear stained cheeks.

_"Okay, nothing then"_. Oliver shrugged kind of lost.

_"Yeah, well about that, there is nothing to tell Sam, seeing as the only thing he has on his mind is blaming me, you know for...and he can't be a cop and be with me, so he made his choice..."_ Andy's words were cut short as Oliver reached out and pulled her in under his arm.

_"You know it wasn't your fault, Andy these things happen no matter what choices WE make. It's the person that does these things that decides what happens. If a shooter holds a gun to your head it's not your choice to pull the trigger, it's theirs, and it's their choice if you live or die"._

_"But Sam blames me and I can see his point...I understand it!"_

"_No! He's grieving Andy. If he said that, I know he doesn't mean it. He's pissed at the world right now and you of all people know that he has a temper. He's trying to deal with it by lashing out, you are the closest person to him so he is gonna take it out on you, if you were around when he snapped he's gonna take it out on you. I'm sorry but that's the way Sammy is, he pushes the people he cares about the most away. He lost a friend Andy, a brother and I'm sure the thought that it could have been you has crossed his mind, just give him some space okay? Come let's get you home, wanna ride to Nash's?" _

_"No! I um...can't go there now"._ Andy shook her head violently as she wiped away her last few tears. _"I...um don't wanna go home, can you take me to see Gail?"_

Oliver nodded and stood up before holding out his hand to help her up.

_"Um...I'll wait at the car for you to...um..."_ Oliver moved silently out the locker room, leaving Andy to gather her thoughts and pull herself together.

Oliver drove Andy over to the hospital in silence as he watched her trying to keep herself together. She was battling and barely coping but the feisty spirit in her wasn't giving up.

As he pulled up outside the door, he took Andy's hand in his and gave it a tight squeeze before saying a word.

_"Um...let me know how she's doing okay?"_ Not quite what he had planned to say. Andy nodded and he let go of her hand as she moved to open the door.

_"McNally, talk to him."_ Not that either, but it was a subtle hint in the right direction.

She looked up before giving him an empty smile and climbing out the car.

What could she say to that?

Andy found Gail's room surprisingly occupied by both Chris and Nick. Chris being here she could understand, but Nick? Really? Sure they had history but as far as she knew it was just history.

Chris made his way over to her as soon as she stepped in the door, enveloping her into a tight hug as Nick nodded a hello before excusing himself with the excuse of doing a coffee run.

_"Andy why aren't you at home?"._ Chris' concern for those close to him was only ever out shadowed by his perpetual need for perfection.

_"Um... I needed to see if she's ok...you know don't wanna be there...alone". _

_"Oh Andy, you should have come over". _

_"I know. So how is she?" _

_"She's gonna be okay. They're keeping her heavily doped up on the pain med's and antibiotics so she'll be out for a while. She has some of the same drugs in her system that you had, so they flushed that out first. She's pretty banged up, a lot of bruising and red welts and then lacerations to her hands, neck and the ugly cut on her neck, they had to stitch, that but it's gonna leave one mean scar. She's gonna have a killer black pair of eyes that even she'd be proud of"._ Andy gasped at hearing Gail's condition as guilt wrapped around her.

Guilt at not fighting better, at being weak. At being such a bad cop.

_"No don't you dare go there Andy, there was nothing you could have done. You could have died if he gave you anymore, and there was no way you could have done anything in that shape". _

Chris was much like Sam in regards to reading Andy's mind. He could obviously see the guilt display across her face as it wrapped around her.

_"Chris...if I had done more, put up more of a fight she wouldn't be here and Jerry..."_

_"Andy stop. It wasn't anyone's fault, least of all yours"._ Chris just hung onto Andy as he hugged her, hoping that she would know he didn't blame her and neither would Gail.

_"So...um I get why you're here, but Nick?"_

_"They have history"._ Andy could hear the dismal excuse Chris was making with that answer.

_"Yeah, so do you." _

_"Yeah but that's different"._

_"Seriously? So that's why you're here? Come on Chris, I know you better than anyone. I know why you're really here, so you have to promise me something". _

_"What?"_

_"Promise me that as soon as she opens her eyes you're gonna tell her, apologize to her and tell her you made a mistake". _

_"Andy..."_

_"No Chris. You have to tell her, what she does with that is up to her, but think about how close you came to losing her this time. And what about next time? Think about Traci, she won't get a next time, she won't get another chance to hear it or say it, Gail deserves to know the truth, even if the truth hurts one of you or breaks someone's heart, and you both deserve that"._ Andy finished her rant as she turned to Gail to see her eyes staring at her.

_"Gail?"_ Andy and Chris both said each breathing a sigh of relief.

_"What's wrong with Traci?"_ Gail's voice croaked as her eyes filled with panic in their black and purple state.

_"Gail..."_ Chris tried to find the words but came up empty.

_"What's wrong with Traci?"_ Gail felt her chest constrict at the lack of reassurance from her friends.

Andy moved forwards and sat on the side of Gail's bed, taking her IV riddled hand gently in her own. She couldn't believe that she had to utter those words again. The first time had been hard enough, but this was just as difficult. This time it had to be phrased correctly, or lead Gail to believing that she was somehow responsible for Jerry's death.

_'Great, giving death notification's without upsetting or offending someone'_ Andy thought dryly as she bit her lip to stop the tears from breaking free.

_"It's...um. Nothing...Traci's okay. Ah...Jerry found out that the cab driver took you, so he went after him, he um...got stabbed before telling us...he um... We were to late...he didn't make it, but we found you..."_

_"No...Andy...no"._ Gail's eyes began to water, as she listened to Andy's words, her own tears cutting her words short. _"Traci...no he didn't..."_ Gail was not accepting the news as she violently shook her head and pulled her hand away from Andy's.

Andy stood up from the bed and backed away mumbling a soft 'I'm sorry' as she retreated. Chris moved forwards and took Andy's place on the bed, his head hung low as he silently confirmed Andy's sad news.

_"No..."_ Gail said as she sat up, fighting the pain that riddled her body at the movement.

She suddenly reached out and grabbed Chris' hand as though he was about to evaporate. The movement shocked Chris, but not as much as when she pulled him closer burying her face in the crook of his neck as she let the soft sound of her muffled crying take over.

Andy couldn't help the faint smile tug at her lips at seeing the interaction between the two, even though it was bought on by sadness.

_"You're okay"._ She heard Chris whisper the words to Gail as he seemed to be stroking her hair in a soothing manner when she noticed the face staring into the room through the open door.

Nick made his way back undetected by them to walk into the room at the exact moment that Gail grabbed hold of Chris.

Andy took a step towards Nick and began ushering him out the room, Gail and Chris needed and deserved the moment alone.

The confused look on Nick's face was not missed as Andy stepped into the hallway standing between Nick and the door that was still slightly open.

_"They need this Nick, let them have it"_. Andy whispered as she watched Nick look around her through the open white blinds and into the room.

_"Need what exactly?"_

_"Oh come on, are you really that dense? Do you see that? That is them needing each other right now, so let them have the moment". _Andy tried to hide the anger creeping into her voice at his stupidity, or maybe it was just ignorance.

_"They have history Andy..."_

_"So do you, but just give them the moment okay, she just woke up and heard us talking. I told her about Jerry, let her lean on someone that she needs right now". _

Andy stood staring at Nick as Gail's voice drifted into the now silent hallway.

_"When I... Woke up, the first thing I thought was what a jerk you were..."_

Nick raised an eyebrow and let a smug look cross his face.

_"The second thing I thought... No wanted was you, right there..." _

Gail's words seemed to wipe the smug look right off Nick's face.

_"Gail..."_

_"No Chris I need to say this, I know I always said that if things don't work out the first time, they won't ever work out, but I was so wrong to say that. I know when Nick came back that I thought that was what I wanted, but when I thought I was gonna die, the only person I thought about was you, okay well you and my mother. I thought if I got... no I promised myself if I got out of this alive, I would tell you I was so, so sorry, that I was wrong when I thought I wanted Nick, that I missed you, that I was so stupid to let you give up... There's just so much I want to tell you". _Gail's voice was soft but it carried out into the silent hallway. Andy felt bad for Nick hearing Gail's words that way, but Chris was like her second best friend. He balanced out Gail's coldness, her sarcasm, her.

She watched in silence as Nick slipped down the hallway still clutching the three coffees, but her heart was soaring at the possibility that there was some happiness that threatened to burst free in such a sad time.

She couldn't wait to tell Sam...

Sam.

Her momentary lapse of memory caused her to forget that she no longer had the right to tell Sam anything. She no longer had a Sam.

The thought caused a fresh flood of tears as she once again found herself fleeing.

Where would she go?

She didn't want to upset Traci anymore; she didn't want to go home. She couldn't go to Chris' or Gail's coz there was no Gail's, and Chris was here. She couldn't go to Sam's although that's where she wanted to be the most. Dov was on duty that meant that she would have to go back to the barn and probably face Sam. Her dad...nope that just wasn't what she needed right now.

For the first time in her life, she felt as if she was alone. Truly and utterly alone.

She scoffed at the idea of how good she was helping others fix their relationships, and how miserably she failed at keeping her own in one piece.

Making her way towards the automatic hospital doors, Andy felt the tears spill as she stepped out into the fresh air.

As she hailed a cab outside the hospital, he asked her for the address, so she softly whispered the one address that she could think of, an address that had once been hers.

Andy arrived on Luke's doorstep, feeling a little worried about the welcome she would receive.

She had only seen Luke once since he came back, and that had been at the crime scene she called home. Even then his greeting had been reserved, held back.

But right now, she needed someone and if Luke's house was the only one available, then that's what she'd take, even if it wasn't who or what she wanted.

Knocking on his door, she waited the few seconds it took for his door to swing open and his presence filling the doorway.

_"Andy? What's wrong?"_ His voice sounded gutted as he took in her appearance.

_"Everything, nothing, is Jo here?"_

**A/N; I have no idea where that came from, but it did lol!**

****** so let me know what you think in another one of your awesome reviews. **

**** I have a Facebook page for fan fiction- if you're interested just search- Fanfic's Anonymous or - #!/groups/237016169728334/**


	3. Chapter 3

Wow, you guys get more awesome every time a new chapter goes up!

Thank you so much! And for the huge compliments & pm's you all sent! I'm loving it, so if this chapter holds up to your expectations, leave a review, or just leave one anyway!

Thanks for all the awesome reviews & follows, they really make my day!

Special thanks to Kelly2727

This chapter was written the way my head thought it up, & is probably not the way it would happen in real life or on the show!

**warning- this chapter might be really sad, so I'll issue a tissue warning.

This chapter is also dedicated to anyone that's lost someone really close, me...I'll dedicate this to my late brother Goofy- 1987- 2004

Nope, don't own anything mentioned in the chapter either!

**Chapter 3**

If anyone had ever told her that she would turn to Jo as a shoulder to cry on she would have told them they were insane.

It would be like telling her that you get blue apples.

But right now in the height of desperation she needed to be comforted and she needed advice and she just didn't have someone there for her right now.

And she needed to be anywhere, but not alone.

She knew Jo and Luke's history and never really thought that someone else's pain or life experiences would be able to guide her in a moment of weakness or need. But right now Jo was not her ex-fiancé's ex that he messed her around with, she was someone that could offer advice and insight on what Andy was going through.

She was a means to an end, a shoulder to cry on, a hand to hold.

Luke stepped aside and let Andy in before pointing to the couch for her to sit down before she fell down. He left her alone, deep in thought as he made his way down the hallway in silence.

Moments later Jo stepped into the room, her hair still wet from obviously being in the shower.

_"Andy?"_ Jo said as she stepped into the room, panic taking over as she took in Andy's dishevelled appearance.

_"Um...can we talk?"_ Andy whispered as she noticed Jo's eyes mirrored her own red rimmed, swollen orbs.

_"Sure, are you okay?"_ Jo's voice held genuine concern as she asked a question Andy never thought she would ask her.

_"No"._ Andy whispered before another wave of tears flooded free.

Andy spent the next few hours on the couch with Jo, telling her about Gail and Chris, how Sam had blamed her for Jerry's death and that he wanted to be a cop more than he wanted to be with her.

She rambled over the notion that she blamed herself for Jerry's death and Gail being taken.

That she would now have to watch Traci live with a loss that she could never take back or change.

Jo shared tears of sadness with Andy, pulling her close when she needed a hug, as well as just held on to her hand for support as she spoke. Never had she expected McNally to turn to her for any reason, least of all when she was dealing with so much heartache and sorrow.

But once again the thought of blue apples crossed her mind.

As Jo let Andy into the spare room to spend the night, declaring it was too late to go home, Jo watched Andy with one thought in mind.

Why had Andy said she didn't want to mar their sadness with her bit of happiness?

It should have been the other way around, marring happiness with sadness. But she didn't ask, she just shut the door leaving the sad person alone in the room to attempt a few hours' sleep before she was forced to face one of the hardest days of her career.

Moments of silence passed as Andy lay in the darkness staring at the ceiling.

This is not where she wanted to be.

She wanted to be at home, in her own bed.

Tip toeing out the room and into the hallway Andy was relieved to find Jo and Luke still awake, standing in the dimly lit kitchen having coffee.

_"You okay?"_ Luke asked as they caught sight of her embarrassed face leering around the wall.

_"Um...yeah, fine. Can you...um maybe take me home?" _

_"Sure, if that's what you want"._ Jo said and waited for Andy's reply.

_"Yeah"._ Andy sighed.

_"Okay, I'll grab the keys and we'll head out"_ Luke said moving towards the half-moon shaped table in the hallway that Andy noticed he still left his keys on, but no longer left his gun on.

The drive over to Andy's condo was filled with silence.

Not awkward, or tense, just the muted kind, like when you're lost in thought.

As Luke pulled up outside the doorway Jo turned to Andy and watched as she paled.

_"Need us to go in with you?"_ Jo's tone was unguarded, as though she was truly worried about leaving Andy alone.

_"Yeah, could you guys, you know, let me check out the place first?"_

Sam let minutes turn into hours as his mind trailed memories of old time. Memories of happy times.

Some memories were with Jerry as the centre focus, but soon others spilled into his mind, some of watching Jerry fall all over his feet trying to get Nash's attention. Others soon began to fill the memories, Oliver at poker nights with them, the rookies being weary of the senior officers at the Penny, the sight of Jerry taking photos of himself hovering in front of a car trunk containing stolen heads.

That memory caused Sam to chuckle. Only Jerry would be that outrageous at a crime scene.

Sam's memories soon drifted off to Andy and her face as he watched his words sink into her mind. The look on her face said a thousand words and at the same time said nothing.

Regret seeped through every fibre of himself at letting her walk away. Making her walk away.

Without further thought, Sam checked his watch for the time, it was a little after midnight and not too late to fix things.

Grabbing his keys Sam was out the door without second thought, one destination in mind.

Arriving at Andy's condo, Sam stood in silence and stared at the door as tough it would suddenly fly off its hinges.

Shaking the worried thoughts out of his mind, Sam gently rapped on the door and waited for Andy to open it.

Andy watched as Luke cleared her Condo room for room, while Jo stood next to her offering silent comfort.

A soft rapping filled the silent air as Luke took a step towards Andy and Jo, waiting for Andy to open the door.

Sam held his breath as he cleared his mind of thoughts of how to apologize, how to take back what he said. How to explain the pain away, if she would let him.

When the door quietly swung open, Sam lifted his gaze to meet Andy's but it was diverted by the sudden movement he saw over her shoulder. Looking past her Sam's eyes met the cold stare of Luke as he peered around Andy to see who was so obviously intruding on their private moment.

Sam felt as though he had been punched in the heart, having it shatter into millions of tiny, jagged pieces.

_"Sam"._ Andy breathed it out as though she was relieved at seeing him standing in her doorway.

Sam just let out a sound that resembled a growl before he looked back at Andy and let the pain cross his face in a split second before he covered it up.

This time he was the one to turn and walk away without saying a word.

_"Sam?"_ Andy called after him, unlike how he had let her walk away in silence.

But he never stopped; he kept walking, suddenly feeling the need to be away from Andy rather than with her. Reaching his truck he felt her cold hand as it wrapped around his wrist pulling on it until he stopped, she let her hand rest there, as he froze and stood with his eyes closed, relishing in the minimal heat her hand bought on by the contact.

_"Sam?"_

Although his eyes were closed, Sam felt her move to stand between him and his truck door, just close enough for him to feel her body tremble.

_"This was a mistake". _

Once again he let the words tumble so freely from his lips as he sighed them out a heavy breath.

_"What?"_ Andy's voice was soft, but shaky as she vocalized her confusion.

_"This, coming here, a lot of things"._ Sam let the last few works drift out on a careless whisper, as he allowed the emotions he usually so carefully kept hidden away, tumble to the surface.

Opening his eyes, Sam saw the devastated look that turned Andy's soft, graceful features to a hard stoic, set in stone look as her mind did what she did naturally- overthink.

_"What?"_ Andy couldn't find words to formulate coherent sentences as her mind reeled at the possible meaning behind those words, as she snapped her hand back as though she had her skin set alight by allowing it to remain in contact with Sam's. _"What exactly is that supposed to mean Sam?"_

_"Whatever you want it to mean McNally". _

_"Seriously? Is this about Luke being here? Coz you know what Jo's here too okay. Luke went to bring her back Sam, and because right now I'm selfish and need someone there for me so I went to Jo, coz right now, right now having you blame for Jerry is enough. She doesn't blame me. I can't be around Traci coz I'm scared she's gonna blame me too and I can't lose my best friend Sam, I can't! Chris is with Gail, Dov is probably working and my dad, well having me crumble will not make his life any easier, so who does that leave me now Sam?"._ Andy's words died on trickling tears as she pushed passed him, making her way back to her front door, and straight towards Luke and Jo who had come outside to see if she was okay.

As Sam watched her walk away, he felt his own body sag in defeat as he watched Jo wrapped an arm around her before walking inside with her, joined in a touch of comfort.

Sam nodded his thanks to Luke, hoping he understood, while Luke returned only a cold hardened stare before diverting his gaze and turning away to follow inside.

Sam stood staring at Andy's condo, his heart breaking just a little more, if that was even possible, at knowing the fact that Andy was truly and utterly alone. Because he decided she would be.

Luke and Jo stayed and made Andy coffee before leaving, now that her pained teared face had dried, and the colour in her cheeks had returned.

As soon as they were out the door, Andy removed a large, black and maroon hard bound book from the bookshelf tucked away in the corner. Collapsing on the couch, she slowly lifted the cover and let her fingers run over the smiling face in the photograph. It was one Dov snapped in the academy on his phone.

Traci was standing smiling, as one of the instructors stood trying to chat her up in the hallway. They later learned that his name was Detective Jerry Barber from 15th Division.

As Andy's fingertips brushed over Traci's smiling face, she was so glad that they had put the albums together. They each had a copy, Dov, Chris, Gail, Traci and her. They were fragments of their lives, from their rookie days up until now.

Andy dozed off on the couch, tightly clutching the album in her hands, as exhaustion let her slip into a fitful slumber, filled with images of happier days.

The next morning, Andy awoke to the soft pitter patter of rain, as the light drizzle made its way down the windows and drummed soft patters on the roof.

As stepped into her bedroom and took out her dress blues Andy had never felt so alone. Hanging the bag on the back of the bathroom door, she took a shower before going to dry her hair, doing it up in a tight braid before tucking the bottom in.

Dressing in the navy blue clothes, Andy had memories of Jerry slip through her mind, some of them causing a smile to tug at her lips.

Finishing her soft make-up, Andy was relieved that the black rings under her eyes were now less visible, as she slipped her gloves into her bag before heading outside to wait for the cab to take her to Traci's so she could drive her to the funeral.

Traci was barely holding it together when Andy arrived, causing her willpower to stay dry eyed to slip. Leo looked adorable in the tiny suite that Traci had him wear, and Andy couldn't help but wonder what magic words his mother had told him to get him in it without a fuss.

The drive over to the church was in silence. It was not awkward, just tense. Shrouded in sadness.

As soon as they climbed out Traci's car, a swarm of blue engulfed them, with friends and fellow officers coming forwards to offer Traci their condolences.

Andy watched as Traci's mom ushered Leo aside, giving his mom some space to deal with her grief and offered sympathies.

Andy stood off to the side, watching Traci as she tried to be polite and accepting of the kind words offered to her, but she couldn't help feel that this day was so undeserving of their attention. Not because it was about Jerry being undeserving, but because it was just so wrong. It should have been her rather than him.

Andy felt eyes burn through her and turned around to see Sam look away from her, with such a pained look on his face, it could easily be called hatred, as Oliver nodded in greeting, his wife clutched tightly to his side.

Moments later Andy saw the hearse pull in and take up its parking near the entrance as the priest stepped out and asked everyone to take their seats inside the church.

Andy watched as Luke, Sam, Oliver, Frank, Jerry's cousin from Ontario, and a detective from Twenty Seven take up the space next to the hearse as Traci and Leo went to stand between Sam and Oliver.

Andy saw Mrs Nash move off into the church as she sniffed silent tears, but Andy stood rooted to the spot.

She saw the hearse doors swing out as the men moved to each side of the coffin resting in the back of the hearse. She watched as Jerry's cousin and Luke slipped their hands into the hearse, pulling out on the gold handles on either side of the dark brown box, before passing them on to Frank and the detective from Twenty seven, who passed them on to Sam and Oliver.

She watched as Traci and Leo stood in silence, their heads lowered as Traci had requested to say their goodbye's as the coffin was lifted out, rather than be a pallbearer, as she feared dropping the coffin.

She watched as they lifted the coffin, having elected to carry it in, rather than wheel in on the customary trolley, and she saw Sam usher Traci in to the space in front of him, mumbling soft words to her and cast her a look of assurance, letting her rest her shaking hand softly on the wooden top while he sent Leo around to Oliver who instructed him to lay his tiny hand on top of the box, just like his mother did before Oliver rested his free hand on top of Leo's shoulder.

As they took a step forwards towards the church doorway, Andy met Sam's gaze for a split second before he turned his gaze to the floor. Andy felt her whole body shudder with tremors as she turned away and walked into the church to take a seat at the front of the church, waiting for Traci.

When the coffin found its resting place at the front of the church, Traci sat next to Andy and her mom, grasping one of each of their hands tightly in her own, as if they were giving her the air she needed to breathe.

The priest took up his place at the front of the fully packed crowd, as he mumbled soft words before Jerry's Cousin gave his speech, mostly reflecting on the childhood the shared and Jerry's youthful desire of becoming a man in uniform but rather fitting the position of a cop in a suite.

Andy was surprised when Oliver stood up next and made his way to the front. Unfolding a piece of paper before he spoke.

"There are no words to convey our sympathy to Jerry's family and friends and especially Traci and Leo Nash, so instead I have something to read from Jerry to them. There are often times like these that we know things can go wrong, so with that in mind, Jerry left an envelope with myself and officer Swarek should anything ever happen, he wanted this to be read to you and Leo". Oliver tried to hide the tears glistening in his eyes, as Traci stiffened at the thought of Jerry leaving a final message for them.

Oliver took a moment to compose himself before continuing,

_**"Everyone is born to die, but not everyone that dies has lived, thank you for living my life with me. Love always Jerry"**_

When tomorrow starts without me

And I'm not here to see

If the sun should rise and find your eyes

All filled with tears for me

I wish you wouldn't cry

The Way you did today

While thinking of the many things

We did not get to say

I know how much you love me

As much as I love you

Each time that you think of me

I know you will miss me too

When tomorrow starts without me

Please try to understand

That an angel came and called my name

And took me by the hand

The angel said my place was ready

In heaven far above

And That I would have to leave behind

All those I Dearly Love

But When I walked through Heaven's Gates

I felt so much at home

When GOD looked down and smiled at me

From his golden throne

He said This Is Eternity

And All I promised you

Today for life on earth is done

But here it starts a new

I promise no tomorrow

For today will always last

And since each day's the exact same way

There is no longing for the past

So when tomorrow starts without me

Do not think we're apart

For every time you think of me

Remember I'm right here in your heart".

Oliver nodded briefly in Traci and Leo's direction before giving Sam a wayward glance before returning to his seat.

After the service, Jerry's coffin was carried out the church in the same way it had been bought in, only this time Traci wasn't able to find the strength to walk alongside it. This time she walked out behind it, Chris and Andy each taking a side of her and helping her stand up and walk on her shaky legs.

The procession to the cemetery was painstakingly slow out of respect. Dozens of cruisers sped past the hearse and Andy following directly behind it with Traci, her mom and Leo, to stop traffic and allow them to pass. Rows of cars followed them, all with their head lights and indicators going, cruisers with their silent sirens and flashing lights spaced behind the cars.

Black suv's carried the Peck family, as well as Guns and Gangs and even bodies from child services, and other white shirts.

Cruisers from 15 were allowed to pass in directly behind Andy, while cruisers from Twenty Seven stopped traffic, cruisers from thirteen fell in behind the unmarked cars and then there was just a string of cruisers marked from 09 to 31 that filled the space. Andy was sure she caught sight of an ambulance or two followed by some fire vehicles as she glanced up into the rear view mirror and indicated that she wanted to pull out into the street as the procession to the cemetery began.

That was when she noticed that Sam had pulled in behind her, blocking all traffic so that she could pull out behind the hearse. Before he pulled in behind her, and drove through the streets of Toronto in that space.

Once at the cemetery the pallbearers once again lined up in the most honoured way, to carry the coffin to its final resting place. It was the biggest honour to be asked to be a pallbearer, and it was only a select few that were allowed the privilege of paying their final respects in such a way.

Traci knew that many would pay their respects by way of flowers, so she kindly requested that instead of flowers donations be made to the boy's home- Hope house- instead.

Jerry had often mentioned the home for boys, and helped many teenage boys find sanctuary in its loving environment and warm walls, and up to his dying day helped the abused and runaway teens anyway he could, even if it was just making a trip down there in the middle of the night when one of them needed to talk.

As the coffin was laid to rest, the skies opened for the first time since the early hours of the morning, and allowed the soft rain drops to fall down around them, as though they were the tears of the angels and they would wash away their sorrows.

The priest gave his final speech and prayers over the departed soul before seven men lined up at the head of Jerry's grave, their rifles held firmly resting on the ground.

A random voice issued orders and the rifles were swung up and around to be lifted in a silent fluid motion of last respects.

Silence descended on the crowd, as final orders were barked out to fire. The first seven shots rang through the air in deafening tones, Andy felt Traci jump at the sound, before she heard a soft whimper escape her friends lips. Holding her closer, Andy was glad she stayed at Traci's side.

The second set of seven shots rang out as Andy whipped her eyes to Sam, who had steered clear of her for the duration of the funeral, but now stood directly across from her on the other side of the grave. As the shots rang out, Andy saw Sam jump as she felt Traci's hand jerk slightly in her own. They knew the shots were coming, and the yelled warning of fire did little to prepare them. The third set of shots rang out seconds later, this time Sam who had kept his eyes cast downwards lifted his gaze to meet hers as the sounds reverberated through the air.

Andy watched as Sam again stiffened at the sound of the final salute, this time though, she saw the unmistakable look of shame and sorrow cross Sam's face, as the last remaining flickers of fire in his eyes died with the echoing silence that followed.

The crowd slowly began to disperse, although Traci remained rooted to the spot. Andy watched as Sam remained frozen too, staring at her with unreadable emotions spilling over his face, although she could see him clenching his jaw.

She stood holding on to Traci as emptiness filled the space around them, watching Sam watching her, before he broke the spell by removing his hat, tucking it under his arm, and nodding to Traci who nodded back before he simply turned around and walked away.

Andy was torn between the two most important people in her life, torn between letting one lean on her and letting the other go. How was she supposed to decide who has the most right to her comfort now?

Turning to Traci, she saw the rolling tears as Traci stood and said her silent goodbye's before she looked back in the direction Sam had retreated in to find nothing but thin air, misted slightly by the soft falling raindrops that continued to tumble down in silence.

Letting Sam go was the right choice, Sam lost a friend but he was there in Jerry's final moments, he said his goodbyes.

Now was the time to let Traci say hers and given that she was the one who lost more than a friend it was the right thing to do.

So Andy stayed, hugging Traci to her side.

Just standing there and being there.

Before the wave of guilt again came to wash over her.

Traci had her for support, who did Sam have if she was with Traci?

Sam stood watching Andy as the final shots went off. He had been slipping looks her way since he had arrived at the church.

He just couldn't help himself, it was just an addiction he'd always had.

To watch her.

Although the addiction was now overrun by the need to touch her more than ever, just to reassure himself she was still there, he kept telling himself that hoping that one day he might actually get to believe it.

He watched her and saw her jump at the loud sounds that echoed through the silence, a single tear breaking free, rolling over her cheek, down to her chin before it dropped off the edge and got lost in the tiny raindrops that splattered around her.

He doubted she even knew that the tear had been released from her dull eye as it fell.

Removing his hat, he wished he could be the one comforted with the warmth of her hand.

But who would one day comfort her if she took Traci's place and he Jerry's?

Would she be as strong as Traci then? Or would she tumble and fall? Nash was a lot stronger than what Andy was, and he doubted that either of them knew it.

Maybe being mostly a single mother had something to do with it, but then again Andy pretty much raised herself after her mother abandoned them.

Either way he would never allow her to be in that situation.

Nodding at Traci, Sam turned and walked away.

The more he did it, the easier he expected it to be, but each time he did it he found it harder to do, and each time he walked away he couldn't help but wonder if it would be the last time he ever turned his back on her in silence, and walked away.

***** Okay, longest chapter I've ever written, so show me what you think by leaving another one of those awesome reviews!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Thanks for all the awesome reviews! & the alerts & follows!  
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Special thanks to Kelly2727!

Chapter 4  
  
Taking Traci home was easier than Andy found it taking her to the church.

After standing at Jerry's grave for over an hour Traci seemed to find the acceptance she had been searching for, made peace with the idea that Jerry was gone and never coming back.

Andy thought that the relative calm that came over Traci was a little weird, but didn't question her on it.

Arriving at Traci's they weren't surprised to find Dov, Chris or Oliver waiting for them as Mrs Nash opened the front door and ushered Leo in to change out his suite.

Minutes later the lounge was filled with a sea of blue as more close friends arrived, all wanting to share their time with the two people that needed it most.

After a few hours of jolly ramblings lacking the true comforts of happiness in their laughs and smiles and plenty of coffee later Traci disappeared into her room, retreating from the eyes of her guests.

Andy found her sitting on the edge of her bed, staring at her engagement ring, still dressed in her blues.

_"Trace?" _Andy felt as though she was intruding on the most private moment Traci had ever had or ever needed as she stepped hesitantly into the room, closing the door behind her. _ "You okay?"_ Andy whispered as she stepped closer, hesitant because of the fact that Traci seemed to be ignoring her presence.

_"No, you could have told me Andy"._ Traci whispered but kept her eyes down.

_"Told you what?"_

_"Where's Sam?" _

Traci was always straight to the point when she wanted something, and seldom answered a question with another, so Andy was caught off guard, but knew where this was heading.

_"I...um...Don't know". _

_"Andy I saw you two today, and I dunno what happened but you two have never looked more lost than you were today". _

Traci turned to look at Andy as she sat down next to her on the edge of the bed.

_"I know, but there were other things on your mind, it's your time now, and Jerry's. Sam needs some space so..."_

_"What?"_

_"Sam... Well...he um..."_

How exactly was this conversation supposed to go? Andy always rambled and blurted things out, but this, saying this to Traci was never gonna happen.

_"If you're saying what I think you're saying you better stop talking"_ Traci's motherly tone was out in loving force as she looked heartbroken at the idea's her mind was conjuring up.

_"He um...well he blames me..."_

_"Stop! Do not go there Andy, not now, not ever okay? I don't blame you and I sure as hell know Jerry wouldn't either, it was one person's fault, and one person's fault alone, and that person will spend the rest of his miserable, worthless life behind bars until the day he rots in hell. Sam lost a friend Andy, how would you feel if it was me? I'm sure he didn't mean it the way he said it, he has a temper and he's the strong silent type that doesn't say what he means, or always mean what he says, the way he says it". _

_"No Traci, this was different. He sorta told me to my face it was my fault, that he made a mistake by listening to me instead of Jerry. He said he can't be a cop and be with me, so I walked away. Just left him standing there. He came to my condo and Luke and Jo were there, but he didn't see Jo so he told me that coming there was a mistake, and so were a lot of other things. When he said those words he meant them, he wasn't lying or hiding something, he may have said them in anger but he meant them. The truth in his eyes told me he meant every single word". _

_"Seriously? He actually said that to you? Why didn't you tell me?" _

_"You don't need my problems now Traci, you have a lot to deal with, I didn't want to tell you that he blamed me...I was scared you'd blame me too..."_

_"Okay you need to stop now. Did you ever think that it could have been you he took instead of Gail, or that it could have been you rather than Jerry? Look Andy, I'm shattered and heartbroken and I'm probably never gonna fully get over this, but what you and I have...it's irreplaceable, not that Jerry is replaceable, it's just different. If Jerry had come to me and told me it was you, I dunno what I would have done. I've been strong coz you're here, I've been coping coz you're here, and I know Sam feels the same way. He's thought that it could have been you too, how close it was to actually being you, and how do you think he'd be, if he's like this when it was Jerry, if it had been you, it would have killed him. Jerry told me that when Sam came back to the barn after Brennan took him, the only thing he said to Jerry was when he walked out that house and saw you standing there, alive, okay and waiting for him, that he knew he would be okay, and Jerry only asked him if he was okay. Don't let him push you away". _

By now Traci and Andy had both let their eyes mist up with un-shed tears.

_"You think it's wrong to let him go?"_

_"Yeah I do, and you know that being a cop can mean that you won't get a tomorrow". _

"Yeah...um..."

_"Go Andy, I'll be okay. But call me later and let me know you're okay?" _

_"I will, I promise"._ With that Andy left Traci after giving her a tight hug. She quickly bid her goodbyes to the few people around before leaving and heading home to change.

Grabbing a quick shower, Andy threw on her jeans and a black sweater before hailing a cab and giving Sam's address.

Arriving at his house, she wondered if she should have called first before coming over as she gently rapped her knuckles on the door.

The house was shrouded in darkness as was Toronto, the overcast rain clouds causing nightfall to settle in around them earlier than usual.

Waiting for Sam to answer, noting his truck parked in the driveway Andy couldn't help but feel the sadness settle in on her and her heart going out to Sam. Traci had described how she would have felt if it had been Andy, and she knew she would have felt the same had it been Traci, so that was obviously how Sam felt.

Knocking again, she drew no response so she turned the door handle to find it surprisingly unlocked.

She gently opened the door and stepped in calling Sam's name as she entered the darkened house.

The overwhelming silence engulfed her as she stepped into the hallway to find Sam sitting on the couch still dressed in his dress blues, minus the white gloves that lay scattered carelessly on the table, half empty bottle of whiskey clutched in his hand, resting on his knee.

_"Sam?"_ Andy dared not talk louder than a whisper.

Sam just continued to stare into space as she stepped closer.

_"Andy?" _He turned to face her with the most heart-breaking look on his face, his eyes drooping slightly from the amount of alcohol he had already consumed. _"Why are you here?"_ Even he was whispering although he slurred more than he whispered.

_"Really? That's all you have to say?"_ Andy couldn't help but wish she could take back her words the second she let them free.

_"I didn't ask you to come here". _

_"So I should just leave?" _

That question from her caused Sam's head to snap up as he stared at her, his eyes clouded over as he clenched his jaw to stop an obvious answer from slipping out.

_"Stay, go, you're just gonna leave one day anyway"._ Sam was mumbling between the slurring and just sat staring at Andy.

_"Okay, enough of this, let's get you to bed to sleep it off. I'm not here to fight or argue or even talk to you right now, I just wanted to see if you're okay"._ Andy stepped forwards and took the bottle from Sam's hand without him protesting.

_"Can we just sit here for a while?"_ Andy nodded, as she put the whiskey bottle down on the table, and moved to sit on the single couch next to the double couch Sam was on, not wanting to invade his personal space uninvited. _"I meant sit here McNally"._ Sam said nodding to the empty seat next to him, the one that she usually occupied.

So Andy silently moved over the couch and sat down, not to close though. Sam reached out and grabbed her hand, pulling it into his lap and resting their intertwined fingers on his thigh.

He just wanted to feel the warmth of her touch, the beat of her heart as her wrist rested against his. He just wanted to hold her and comfort her, say he was sorry.

But the words wouldn't come.

They shouldn't come out now after sleepless nights and bottles of whiskey, they should come out wide awake, and sober, and be spoken with clarity and meaning.

Because that's what she deserved.

She deserved the truth, and she deserved those three little words that she so freely gave him. She deserved to know that he only said what he did to protect her, that he said he couldn't be a cop and be with her, so he thought that by pushing her away he would spare her the pain, that he pushed her away because he couldn't lose her the way he saw Traci loose Jerry.

She deserved to know that he was leaving, trading being a cop to have her, have the one thing he couldn't live without. If she would take him back.

She deserved to know that he loved her more than he loved being a cop that he had made the wrong decision by pushing her away, and letting her go. That he was trying to right that wrong by going to see Frank after Jerry's funeral, that he was willingly trading the thing that was once the most important thing in his life for one simple reason- he truly loved her more than being a cop and wanted just one thing- to be with her.

She was here now, the only place he wanted her to be, so he would tell her in the morning.

Andy woke up with her head resting on Sam's shoulder, their hands still resting tightly clutched together on his thigh.

They had both succumbed to sleep in the silent darkness of his lounge as seconds turned to minutes, minutes to hours. Prying her hand free of his iron grip, Andy slipped off the couch to see the wall clock read 5:25am. She had applied for two days leave after the funeral to help Traci sort things out and was meant to be ready by 7am for breakfast before jumping into what was guaranteed to be a long stressful day.

Sam would be working, no doubt with a killer hangover, and she would call him later and check on him. Maybe she could go as far as asking him if they could have a drink later, after he was done with his shift. Maybe if she initiated common ground he'd be willing to take a step towards her instead of away from her.

Making sure his alarm was set on his phone, she left it next to him on the couch before giving him a stolen kiss on the cheek, her lips lingering longer than what they were currently entitled to, but she needed it, needed to give in to the temptation before slipping out the door and making her way to meet Traci.

The day flew past as Traci went to close Jerry's accounts and inform insurance companies of his passing. Tie up all the loose ends of his life. Perfect strangers offered their condolences as she handed over paperwork and signed forms.

Before they knew it, they were done for the day and Traci dropped Andy off at her condo before leaving to fetch Leo from school. Andy's heart broke for Traci when they heard that Traci could not keep Jerry's car. It was the one thing she had wanted to keep besides her proposal knife.

It was just too expensive and even though his family told her to keep her engagement ring, she wanted the car; simply because it was his baby and he loved that car.

As she waved goodbye to Traci, she remembered that she forgot to call Sam with her mind being focused on other tasks at hand.

Deciding to grab a shower before giving him a call, Andy found herself hopeful that he would be willing to meet her half way, and agree to a drink. Neutral ground would put them both at ease.

Dressing after her shower, Andy heard a knock on the door, and wondered if Traci decided to take her up on her offer of coming over if she didn't want to be alone.

Opening the door, Andy found a very pale Oliver and frightened looking Dov standing on her doorstep, both not willing to make eye contact.

_"No"._ Andy whispered as her hand flew to cover her mouth to stop the strangled cry her lungs wanted to release. _"No...you...no"._ Andy whimpered out as she backed away from the door shaking her head, involuntary tears taking over her cheeks as the colour drained from them.

_"Andy, you need to sit down". _Oliver said as he stepped into the doorway.

_"No Oliver...I don't...he can't..." _

Andy was fighting the urge to run and scream and just deny the fact that it looked like they had come to her front door to do what every officer hated the most, give a death notification.

_"Andy, please sit down before you fall down"_. Oliver tried to be forceful with his tone, but it came out gutted and raspy instead.

_"No Oliver..."_ Andy's words choked on her sobs as they took over, seeing Andy unable to function Dov moved forwards and gently guided Andy back towards the couch before softly pushing her backwards until she moved to sit down.

_"Andy, he's alive...he..." _

Oliver moved to sit next to Andy, pulling her in under his arm as he had done in the locker room.

_"No..."_ Andy's vocabulary slipped to one word as denial took over her mind.

_"Andy you have to calm down okay, it's not good...just calm down. We didn't come to do a death notification, we came to take you to the hospital, so grab what you need and we need to go". _

Andy's head snapped up at Oliver's words, if they came to fetch her, and he wasn't dead, that meant...

Her mind reeled at the thought. Her heart didn't stop, it didn't stampede, it just... ceased to exist.

If they wanted her there that meant they thought he wasn't gonna make it.

*******okay, so don't hate me yet!**

**Thanks for reading, don't forget to leave another one of your awesome reviews or thoughts!**


	5. Chapter 5

Wow, thanks for all the incredibly awesome reviews, alerts & follows, they really make my day, so keep them coming!

Special thanks to Kelly2727!

This chapter is for bebesmom, hope you enjoy!

**Chapter 5**

Sam woke up feeling like the gates of hell had fallen on him. His head was pounding and his insides shook like earthquakes.

He lay or sat wherever he was with his eyes still closed for a moment to pull himself together, as memories flooded his mind.

He came home after going to see Frank and got totally hammered.

Andy showed up...

His eyes suddenly flew open as his hand moved out in search of her, or at least where he knew her to have last been.

His eyes found thin air, his hand cold couch cushions.

She was gone. She had done just as she said she had wanted to, come to see if he was okay.

And then left.

He had wanted to wake up this morning to her still being here, and tell her everything he meant to say but couldn't; now he would just have to find her and tell her instead, but he had a shift.

Okay so maybe he could call her later, and ask her to meet him for a drink at the Penny when he was done with shift, if he made it through the day with the killer headache that slammed through his head.

She had come to see if he was okay, so maybe she would be willing to meet him half way, although if she wasn't, he wouldn't blame her. Oliver was right when he said she didn't deserve what he had said and done. If she refused his offer of a step in the right direction, he would just have to work harder to make her take that step.

Grabbing a hot shower, strong coffee and a couple advils Sam made his way to the barn on time for parade. Changing into his uniform, he joined the solemn vibe of the other officers in the parade room, after casting a meaningful glance at Jerry's desk that still remained as he left it.

Nash would probably swing by later to pack it up, or ask him or Oliver to do it.

Frank briefed them on the day's assignments, before ending with 'serve, protect, and come home safe' which Sam felt was fitting in respect with current circumstances.

As Sam stood up from his usual table at the back of the room, he couldn't but look at Andy's empty seat, something he always did, if she was in it or not. Today he knew it would be vacant as she had two days off to help Traci tie up loose ends.

Oliver approached Sam with that determined twinkle he would get in his eyes when his mind was set on something.

_"So you spoke to her yet?"._ Oliver asked as he neared Sam.

_"Nope". _

_"Sammy you have got to talk to her, this thing between you and Andy? It's got to stop! You're hurting each other..." _

Sam was listening to what Oliver said, until the tidal wave of ringing in his ears forced Oliver's voice to be drowned out by his stampeding heartbeat.

Sudden pain shot up his arm, as his chest felt the weight of a sudden constriction that caused his breathing to become increasingly difficult as his lungs refused to fill with air.

Oliver's face became clouded in snowy spots as his vision faltered, his voice droning on as through he was shouting from inside a tin can.

Sam could make out what sounded like his name, mushed with what sounded like waves crashing on a shoreline, before his legs turned to jelly and he slipped down to hit the floor in silence.

Oliver watched as Sam's face paled before turning red, then back to a ghostly white, a thin blue line traced its way just under his bottom lip. Sam reached out to his chest as he slumped forwards before seeping down to the ground, ignoring Oliver calling his name.

The realization hit Oliver like a ton of bricks, as he dropped down next to Sam searching for a pulse and checking on his breathing.

Sam's heart was barely beating and his lungs refused to fill with air, so Oliver did the only thing you're supposed to do, start CPR.

Frank yelled at some unseen body to get a bus, at another to bring the first aid kit, while boots scrambled around clearing the room, and others obeyed Frank's orders to get out the room.

Luke stepped over Sam's legs, kneeling down opposite Oliver who what fumbling blindly to loosen Sam's vest. Luke yanked on the Velcro straps freeing the burdening object, as he looked over to Oliver who moved to do mouth to mouth. Luke leaned over Sam and began chest compressions willing the air to start moving in and out of his lungs on its own.

He could not do this now, not to Andy, not to Oliver and sure as hell not to fifteen.

Luke began steady counting as Oliver breathed air into Sam's lungs and he pumped his heart, they ignored the worried faces of Frank and Jo that hung in the doorway, Chris and Dov standing frozen to the sides of their seats.

The room lay nestled in silence; the only sounds were coming from Luke, as a strangled sob suddenly broke free from Jo as she looked at her watch. Time was drifting by, Sam's unresponsive state growing graver as Jo watched the seconds arm tick on relentlessly.

Frank moved in next to Luke with the aim of taking over his tiring actions, but Luke bit out a strangled _"I got it"_ as he continued his forceful motions.

The sudden sound of running boots and yelling filled the barn as directions were being given to the arriving medics.

They stormed into the room, ushering Oliver and Luke out of the way as they continued to administer CPR and asses Sam.

Minutes later, blue uniforms pushed in the stretcher, having let the medics leave it outside in a bid to hurry them to Sam.

Sam was rolled onto the backboard and lifted onto the stretcher before being wheeled out the barn at a running pace, calls of _'stand clear'_ being yelled through the hallways as they were cleared for a speedy exit. Oliver didn't even wait for Frank's permission, he ran out towards his assigned vehicle, to see Dov sitting in the driver's seat, lights flashing, engine idling.

Impressed with his rookies sense of intelligence in the matter, Oliver slipped into the passenger seat wearing a grateful smile, feeling guilty considering he hadn't even noticed him slip out the room.

Hitting the sirens on, Dov pulled out the parking bay, stepping on the gas towards the hospital that had just claimed the life of one of their own, and would now possibly claim a second.

Oliver paced the hallway as he waited for news on Sam. His rookie slumped down in a chair holding his phone in his hand.

_"If you make that call, your life will be made miserable, do you understand?" _Oliver barked out as he saw Dov fiddling with the device. Oliver knew that he wanted to call Andy or Traci, but that was not going to happen. If something happened to Sam he would rather go tell Andy in person. _"Sorry"_ Oliver mumbled as he saw Dov's shocked face. He was taking it out on his rookie, when he shouldn't.

"It's okay Sir, I get it".

Oliver reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone, he needed someone to pick up the other end now more than ever.

_"Zoe, something's happened..."_ Dov motioned blindly down the hall as he heard Oliver call his wife, giving his senior officer a private moment; he went in search of someone who needed to be told, Gail.

Dov made his way back to where he left Oliver, this time pushing Gail in her wheelchair, simply because she wanted to be there for Andy if the need arose.

They found Oliver with Zoe wrapped up tightly in his arms as well as Luke, Jo and Frank sitting in the chairs aligning the hallway.

Frank had placed a hesitant call to Noelle, just so that she wouldn't hear the bad news from somewhere else, but told her to stay home unless things took a turn for the worst.

The small group shifted positions up and down the hallway as they waited, sitting then standing, then pacing then holding the wall up.

Each having their own private thoughts of no news was good news, but also panicked thoughts about Andy. There was a silent agreement that no one call her until it was necessary.

After a long wait, the doors opened and the ER doctor approached the silent group, knowing full well that the blue uniforms matched the one on the bed in the ER, so they were here for news on their fellow officer.

Seven pairs of eyes stared at the doctor as he approached, all standing in muted silence as they expected the worst, but hoped for the best.

_"Officer Swarek suffered a massive heart attack, but he's stable now. He's breathing on his own, and his heart is maintaining a strong rhythm, so far it looks very good, he's strong, he'll be okay". _

The muffled sob of relief that escaped every mouth in the hallway was not missed by the doctor, the man on the bed in the ER was lucky to be alive, but even luckier to have these kinds of people in his life; he just hoped he knew it.

Oliver excused himself with Dov hot as his heels, he needed to find Andy and put a stop to Sam's stubbornness.

The man literally nearly died from a broken heart, he should really rather live life with a little heartache, rather than let it kill him.

Look at him and Zoe, so many years of marriage nearly lost due to the fact that they drifted apart, worked too hard, and spent too much time apart, hell would freeze over before he let that happen to Sam and Andy. They had both suffered too much misery, to let life get in the way of their happiness; they deserved the happiness they had finally found together.

That's how Oliver now found himself sitting on Andy's couch as she crumbled before his eyes.

Seconds later Andy jumped up and grabbed shoes that she had left just inside the doorway, she scooted around the room grabbed her phone and keys before rushing out the door in sock clad feet. Shoes could go on in the car; she didn't have time to waste as she raced out the door not bothering to wait for Dov and Oliver to catch up.

Dov drove them back to the hospital in one gear- racing mode. Lights and sirens going as Oliver tried to calm Andy down, reassuring her that Sam was okay.

The only thought that plundered her mind was 'please be okay, this can't happen, not now' over and over as though the chant was the lifeline holding Sam on the brink of life.

She would believe it when she saw it for herself, even though she knew deep down that Oliver would never lie to her, or hide the truth about something so grave.

He may not be openly honest but he was bluntly straightforward.

A trait she more than just respected on him.

Andy worried the whole drive over that something would happen before she made it to see him, and immediately regretted the fact that she had not stayed this morning, or called when she knew he was up.

Dov pulled up outside the ER doors and Andy was out the door before the brakes fully stopped the cruiser's forwards motion, she was on her feet and running, she had no idea what direction to go in, she just knew she needed to go.

Catching sight of Luke and Jo, she knew she made the right choice in direction.

_"Andy slow down"._ Jo said as Andy skidded to a stop in front of them, her shoes loosing traction on the smooth polished floor.

_"Where..."_ Luke pointed to the sign marked ICU before Andy moved off again, still at warp speed.

_"Officer Swarek?"_ She all but yelled at the nurse behind the desk.

_"Sorry its ICU, family only, are you related?"_ The nurses voice was flat in tone, monotonous even.

_"Um..."_ How should she answer that question.

_"Andy?"_ Oliver's voice suddenly drew her attention as he moved towards her.

_"Oliver, they won't let me..."_ Andy began to whine as she moved to meet Oliver, when she felt something press up against her hand.

_"Take the badge, it should get you in"._ Andy looked down at Oliver's badge in her hand before smiling her first genuine smile in what felt like forever. She knew the trouble he could be in if anyone found out, but the fact that he was willing to do that so she could see Sam meant the world to her.

_"Thanks"._ Andy moved back to the nurse before flashing the badge and smiling sweetly to get a _"room four"_ in response.

Andy swept down the hallway before slowly opening the door to room four and stepping inside.

Sam felt her presence the second she opened the door and he smelt her perfume as it assaulted his nose. The sweet smell of vanilla and spring was comforting over the sterile smell of the room.

He listened as his heart monitor picked up the slight increase in his heartbeat at having her so close, he just hoped that by keeping his eyes closed and his breathing steady that he could lull her into thinking he was asleep.

He listened as she stepped closer, her stride hesitant and faltering, as he heard her let out a soft sigh, probably at seeing his heartbeat registering on the monitor.

He felt her fingertips make their way to his hand, intertwining their fingers the same way he had done the night before. He felt her breath against his cheek as she leaned in to whisper in his ear, her other hand drifting up to flatten against his other cheek as she leaned in impossibly close and said _"Promise me you'll stay, I'll let you go if it means you'll stay..."_ He felt the soft wetness of a tear drop down on to his cheek as she moved to press her lips to his temple in one final lingering brush of lips, before she pulled back her hand from his cheek, loosened her fingers from his that were holding on to hers of their own accord before she slipped out the room, the wetness on his cheek and the smell of her perfume the only signs that she was ever there.

Sam came within inches of losing his life, and not the way he had expected. He always just assumed his death would come in the form of a bullet riddled body, a knife wound like Jerry a car accident or some other work related force that would rip him off the face of the earth without second thought. A heart attack never came into the equation. Ever.

Having decided to tell Andy all he wanted to, and about the choices he made, to be with her over the choice of being a cop was the biggest mistake of his life.

Accepting how he felt only to retract it.

Having finally admitted everything to himself, and making peace with the fact that she deserved to know the truth had somehow set him free, unburdened the feeling of hopelessness he felt, already added to the guilt and remorse he felt. The self-loathing over the promises he broke. But he never thought that he would face the possibility of destroying the one thing that meant everything to him, especially so soon.

Age had never been an issue with them, between them. Sure he was twelve years older than her, but that was never a string that held either of them back. Until now.

Sam had never have thought that his age would be the thing to tear them apart forever.

That's why he reverted his choice of telling her everything she deserved to know, back to letting her go. If she could make her last words to him 'Promise me you'll stay, I'll let you go if it means you'll stay' then he would stay, but if she wanted to let him go, he'd let her.

When it came to her, he couldn't deny her anything. He couldn't say no. With him she always got what she wanted. But this is what he wanted. He wanted her to be happy, carefree.

That was why as he lay with his eyes closed; he was relieved that he'd made the decision to still take the opening at Guns & Gangs. Leaving fifteen would be hard, but it would be better than staying around and suffering the self-inflicted misery he would live through at watching her be happy with someone else once she moved on.

The slamming of his hospital room door jolted Sam awake to full alertness as one fuming person stepped into the room, eyes staring murderous looks at Sam as they stepped forwards.

_"Are you kidding me? Seriously? After everything that's happened in the last week you've learnt nothing? You have no idea what you're doing to her, so whatever this thing is between you and Andy, you need to stop okay. You're killing her, tearing out her heart and she just keeps lapping it up, coming back for more. You keep this up and you'll lose her, and you'll never get her back. You need to either keep her, or let her go; you can't keep doing this to her Swarek. I didn't save your life for you, I did it for her, and it would have crushed her if you had died today". _

Raising an eyebrow at the verbal assault Sam let the words slay through his mind as he heard them.

_"You think I don't know that Callaghan? You think I'm not letting her go because that exact same thought crossed my mind? You screwed up your chance with Andy simply coz you didn't think you deserved her; I'm screwing it up because I don't deserve her, because I'm not willing to put her through things she doesn't deserve. You think it's easy to love someone so completely that you would trade your life to save theirs? That you would let them go to keep them safe and spare them any kind of pain you inflict on their life? To let them go knowing that they love you just as much as they say they do? That they would trade their life in a heartbeat to save yours? When you know that by leaving them that, that would be one more reason they would stay alive? One more reason that they would keep breathing? Do you even know what that's like?"_

_"Are you even listening to yourself? She told you she loves you didn't she? And you just said straight out that you feel the exact same way, and you're letting her go and leaving? Are you insane? Or is that just part of your Swarek charm flashing itself? Trust me I know how you feel, to be so consumed by one person that you can't breathe when they're not around, that you feel like the biggest ass on the planet for screwing up the best thing that happened to you, coz you were too stupid to see what was right in front of you. I know how all that feels, trust me when I say you don't wanna let her go, loose her or leave her, I know how that feels, you don't wanna be there."_ Luke left the room the same way he came in, with a slamming door.

Sam saw his face fall at the mention of Andy's three little words, he heard the truth behind Luke's word, and it matched the truth in his own. He saw the pained expression in Luke's eyes as he spoke about loving Andy and losing her, the regret and guilt that tagged along with them. Luke was still in love with McNally, or loved her a hell of a lot to give a speech like that.

And he stepped aside and let Sam his chance with Andy while he went to convince Jo to come back? Or was it Jo he had been referring to, and the guilt he felt for doing to Andy what he did?

Either way it didn't matter, Sam knew exactly how Luke felt when he said you need that one person to breathe, and just how heart wrenching it was to lose Andy.

And the worst part about it, was it was self-inflicted misery that he bought on himself, and by the sounds of it, he allowed it to reign down on Andy too.

And the truth of the matter was he already knew what it felt like to lose Andy.

**Please review!**


	6. Chapter 6

Thanks for all the amazing reviews, alerts & follows, you guys totally rock my world & make my day!

Special thanks to Kelly2727!

**Chapter 6**

Sam spent the next three days in the hospital before being released, booked off active duty for another twelve days, he let Oliver pick him up and take him home.

Thankfully Oliver averted the conversation of McNally altogether.

Sam hadn't seen or heard from her since she said her goodbye to him when she thought he was sleeping.

Six days later Sam found himself making his way through the Penny's front door, to take up his regular seat at the bar and ordering a beer, this time a light.

He agreed to meet Oliver after shift, and made it over a little earlier than necessary, because he needed to get out the house.

He spent the three days in the hospital and the six at home running over every word he'd ever said to Andy, every sweet nothing she'd ever whispered in his ear, every tiny brush of skin, or lingering gaze. With each one of those thoughts he found his heart breaking a little more, until there was nothing left to break, just a black organ formally known as his heart.

He knew he was taking a chance being here, that there was a huge possibility that she could come in after shift and they would see each other for the first time in a while.

He briefly wondered how she would react to seeing him, but what bothered him the most was how he might react at seeing her.

Sipping on his first beer, Sam felt the familiar hand slap against his shoulder as Oliver's voice said an all too happy _"hey brother"_ as he sat in the chair next to Sam and motioned for a beer.

_"So, how are things?"_

_"Good, you?"_

_"Fine"_

Soon their conversation shifted to more comfortable catching up, as Oliver filled Sam in on the details from the fifteenth.

Oliver noticed that although Sam was paying attention to their conversation, he was paying more attention to the door every time it opened, he would tense up, strangle his beer bottle and try to subtly glance in the mirror behind the bar to see who the new occupant may be.

Ignoring the urge to call Sam out on it, Oliver let it slip by as if unnoticed; maybe it would be a good thing if they saw each other.

Half an hour later, the body that Sam had been dreading seeing, walked in the door, as Andy arrived with Traci who made her first trip to the Penny tonight without Jerry meeting her there.

Andy stepped through the door, clutching Traci's hand tightly in her hand, she was relieved that Traci had asked her to be here with her to take this step; she let her eyes roam as they always did when she stepped into a room.

They moved of their own accord, searching for the one person she knew would probably not occupy the room, but she couldn't help herself.

But as they let the door swing closed, Andy lifted her gaze to seek out Sam's usual spot at the bar to find him sitting there, staring at her reflection in the mirror. She froze as her legs failed to move, and her breathing faltered as her eyes relayed the image to her brain.

Traci felt Andy suddenly stop as her hand slipped free of her grasp. Turning to see where Andy's gaze went Traci saw Sam look down at his beer as if he suddenly found the label intriguing.

_"Oh...um, let's go okay, we made it in the door, we can have a drink next time". _

_"No! You need to do this, today was the day you chose, so we're gonna do this. I'll just, I dunno, pretend he's not here?"_ Andy said as she yanked on Traci's hand, pulling her towards their usual table.

_"I can do this!"_ Andy muttered under her breath as she took up her chair that happened to be facing sideways to Sam's line of vision.

Traci moved to the bar, ordering their drinks, smiling weakly at Sam and Oliver from across the bar. Her smile didn't quite reach her eyes, but it showed the healing process had begun to somewhat mending her broken heart.

Sam was envious that her heart seemed less broken than it had the last time he set eyes on her. He wished his was healing.

Sam's eyes remained fixed on his beer. Finding it intriguing.

_"You have got to talk to her Sam, this can't carry on"._ Oliver said as Sam looked his way.

_"And say what?"_ Sam's defences were up, a stone wall being built between him and every other soul as soon as she stepped through the door.

_"Ok, this telling you to talk to her is not working, look and listen Sam. Pay attention, the reason I keep saying this, is right there, the reason I say that you need to fix this or you'll be making the biggest mistake of your life, is staring you right in the face, you let her go now and you will live to regret it for the rest of your life. All I'm asking is look and listen. McNally's trying to tell you the most important thing she's probably ever gonna tell anyone, including you Sammy, trust me when I say you can't screw this up". _

Oliver slapped Sam on the shoulder, threw a few notes on the bar and left Sam to hopefully heed his warning this time.

Sam let Oliver's words mull through his mind as he ordered another light. This time he settled in a position that kept Andy in his line of vision.

Why was it so important to Oliver that he and Andy work things out? What was staring him in the face that he was blind to see?

Sam sat watching Andy as she sat sipping on some pink drink, a variation from her usual beer.

He watched as she threw her head back, flicking her loose hair out of her face as she smiled at something Traci said. A warm, genuine smile gracing her face.

The first true smile he had seen her wearing in a while. He noticed the slight pink tinge her cheeks wore, and the sparkle her eyes had, the one he had seen extinguished by his harsh words.

Sam thought he had never seen her look more beautiful than she did in that moment; she looked radiant, glowing almost.

"Hey Liam, give me one for McNally too". Sam said as Liam placed his beer down in front of him. _"What's she drinking anyway? A cocktail?"_

_"Cranberry juice"_ Liam said as he set the glass down in front of Sam.

Sam let his eyes wonder to seek Andy out in the mirror.

So she wasn't drinking, didn't mean anything, could just mean she's driving them home.

Could be the reason why Oliver was so determined that he fix things with Andy.

Could mean nothing and everything at the same time.

The fact that she wasn't drinking, the rosy red hue that clung to her cheeks, the sparkle in her eyes that made her look so alive, the little speeches from Oliver, all suddenly slammed Sam's brain so hard that his heart felt like lead as it dropped through the floor.

He suddenly remembered images of Sarah and Zoe. Looking exactly like Andy did now. And Noelle.

One way to find out, they were gonna have a little talk, right now, right here.

Sam made his way over to Traci and Andy to see Traci nod towards the ladies room, before leaving the table before Sam reached it. Setting the glass of juice down in front of Andy, Sam did not expect her to push her chair back and stand up as he reached her, but she did. That was her, always surprising him, throwing the unexpected his way.

She looked like she was ready to bolt out the door the minute her feet touched down on the floor.

_"Can we talk?"_ Sam leaned in and let the forceful words carry out his mouth, trying to keep his volume down so they wouldn't become the late night show.

_"No"._ Andy said as she turned her face towards him, defiance written all over it.

_"I wasn't asking"._ Sam growled as he wrapped his hand around her upper arm and dragged her towards the hallway that went to the bathrooms and out the back door.

Once outside Sam spun Andy round to face him, she saw fury lash across his face as she looked up at him. Totally caught off guard she gasped as she stepped back, not scared of him, scared of the wrath of Swarek fury he was about to unleash.

_"Were you even gonna tell me?"_

_"Tell you what Sam?"_

_"I know Andy, how long do you think you would be able to keep it a secret, or hide it away? Or weren't you planning on letting it get that far?"_

Sam was yelling like Andy had never heard him yell before, his broken tone however caused her to wrap her arms around herself as if to shield herself from his harsh words. _"Oliver keeps telling me to talk to you, to stop from making the biggest mistake of my life. Tonight he told me to look and listen to you instead, and funny thing is, I've seen it all along, I was just too stupid to pay attention. Andy, I know okay..."_

_"Know what Sam? That I bought a car? That I got a promotion? That I'm taking a transfer in three weeks to the drug squad? Well guess what Sam, you're not the only one that knows things, I know you took the spot at Guns & Gangs, but unlike you, I'm truly happy for you, that you get to have the one thing you've always wanted, were always waiting for". _

_"What? You're not going"._ Sam let out a strangled cry of a sentence the minute she mentioned the drug squad.

They were a section of Guns and Gangs that very few female officers were let into. Ever. Those that did work that section came out as broken souls, if they came back at all. They came back hooked on whatever drugs their targets were pushing most of the time too. They were more often than not forced to kill, forced into prostitution to keep their cover, or just had to sleep with whoever they needed to, in order to stay alive. But they always came back dead inside. Eighty per cent of them committed suicide when they came back.

The minute Andy said the words i-promotion-drug- squad, Sam felt like his heart had been ripped out, there was no way he would let her go, because he knew she would never come back as his Andy, if she ever came back at all. He felt like he died inside at the images of her being touched like that by some low life, her shiny dark hair hanging in dirty, matted strings, the needle marks that tracked their way up her arm. He felt sick to his stomach.

_"Seriously? And what's gonna stop me Sam?._ Andy this time had her own anger flush out her mouth, carrying a sharp tone on her words.

_"Me Andy, I swear to God you will not see the inside walls of the drug squad". _

Andy was taken aback by his words, but more by his tone when he said them. They held a promise, they held the truth.

_"Sam I've worked for this, I've made so many mistakes along the way that I never thought I'd further my career, and you're gonna take that all away from me? You have no right to do that Sam! You were the one that said you couldn't be a cop and be with me, you were the one that let me go, you have no right Sam..."_ Andy moved to walk past Sam as she broke down, the tears she had been willing to keep away, falling of their own accord.

Sam grabbed hold of her arm as she passed, again spinning her around to face him, this time his face reflecting the sadness that graced hers.

_"Andy I didn't know that, it wasn't what I was talking about. It's the first I've heard about it. I was talking about. I was talking about..."_ Sam let his words trail off as he stepped back, letting his eyes flutter down to her stomach.

Andy felt as though she had the air sucked out her lungs as she followed his line of vision.

_"Um...what? No!"_ Andy yanked her arm free as she tried to move past him, but he kept stepping in front of her, keeping her from making the escape he could see she so desperately wanted too.

_"Andy, it has everything to do with me, don't do this..."_

_"No Sam! You walked away remember? This is my life, you chose not to be a part of it, so no matter what happens with this, with the drug squad, its my choice. And don't worry, I wouldn't hold you responsible for my mistakes, coz you seem to do that so well on your own anyway."_

Her words caused Sam to freeze as they sank in, her mistakes. Is that how she saw this? A mistake?

_"Andy don't do this, don't take the spot, that's all I'm asking". _

_"Why not Sam? Give me one good reason not to". _

Andy stared at Sam, Sam stared at Andy. Neither moved to walk away, as Andy waited for Sam's answer.

How could he even rationalize with her now? How could he say what he had always wanted to say, when her words stung so badly that he couldn't form a coherent thought. When he didn't even know how he felt? Coz all he felt right now was numb.

_"Yeah, that's what I thought"_ Andy mumbled before walking back inside the Penny.

Sam stood with lead filled legs as he mulled over their conversation, alone in the dimly lit alley behind the Penny.

He was totally and utterly a wreck, and lost.

He made his way back inside, in time to see the backs of Traci and Andy leave through the front door.

He stood watching as she left.

And he had let her go again. After all this is how he wanted things. This is the sacrifice he made with his own heart to keep her safe, keep hers in one piece, and keep her alive.

So why did it feel worse every time he let her go, why did it feel so wrong? Why did it hurt more, plunging his heart into deeper depths of broken devastation every time it happened?

Sam had to go, he didn't know where, he just had to go. Leaving the door of the Penny to slam behind him, he climbed into his truck and began to drive, destination unknown in mind.

He drove and drove, as Andy's words replayed in his mind.

He soon found himself pulling up outside the cemetery, before he put the truck in park and turned off the ignition.

Why he decided to come here in the dead of night he didn't know.

Maybe he was seeking the peace he saw Traci had found. Maybe he wanted to talk, with no ears to hear, maybe he wanted to vent.

As he walked through the rows of headstones, he felt the immense sorrow and guilt settle in around him, the anger lifting momentarily, for the other emotions to fill him.

He was pissed with Jerry, pissed at himself. He was angry that Jerry so willingly gave up the fight to survive. He was mad that he left Traci and Leo behind. He was furious that Jerry left him behind.

Finding the grave he was looking for, Sam stood for a moment before letting his emotions become unhinged.

_"Damn you Jerry Barber..."_

Sam felt time drifting by in animated suspension, as he ranted and raved at Jerry, even though he knew he would never get a reply.

He let his fury flow out of him, using his words to lash out all the pain and misery he felt; only this time it was directed at the person who caused it. Well the part that wasn't self-inflicted. He let the vengeful words land in the silence of the air as he cursed Jerry for his untimely departure, before drifting the one sided conversation over to the bad place he had forced Andy and himself into.

He told Jerry everything he had done to screw up and every reason behind his deliberate words of hurt and anger. He told Jerry why he had done it, and how badly he was beginning to regret every word and action.

He even asked Jerry to help him figure out where he was supposed to be heading in life, and if it was wrong for him to rather want something better for Andy than what he was able to give her.

Sam sat on the wet grass, feet planted down as he rested his elbows on his knees, his face in his hands. He had reached his breaking point, the point where he was so lost; he was asking his dead friend which way to go. That was irrevocably insane.

Sam heard the soft foot falls behind him, as they stepped towards him, determination intent in their stride.

Sam looked up to find a sad looking Traci approach, even though she had a small smile on her face, he could see the harrowing devastation and sorrow her eyes bore, even in the darkness.

_"Uh...sorry, I'll just go"_ Sam said as he made his way to finding his feet.

_"Nope you're gonna stay"._ Traci said as she put her hand on his shoulder, stopping him from standing up before she drifted down to her knees, her feet tucked neatly under her as she looked towards Jerry's grave, her eyes filled with tears.

_"If you're here to see Jerry, I'll go, I'll wait..."_

_"I'm here to see you Sam"._ She said as she turned towards him.

_"How'd you even know I was here?"_

_"I didn't. I've been driving around for over two hours looking for you, when it was like I suddenly though of Jerry and well here we both are". _

_"I am so sorry Traci, if..." _

_"No Sam, we're not gonna go there, okay? I'm here for one reason and one reason only. That reason is so inconsolable now that I don't even know what to do. She's been there the whole time for me, when she needed me just as much, but I couldn't be coz she didn't tell me anything. When we left the Penny I took her home, and she told me everything Sam, and right now I dunno what to do, I dunno how to fix this, coz that's Andy, the fixer, she fixes things, she fixes people, but I can't fix her coz she's too broken to be fixed. The only thing she's never been able to fix is me right now, and the two of you". _

Sam waited in shocked silence at Traci's honesty for her to continue.

_"Nothing that happened that day will ever be able to be changed Sam. It could have been different, but it can't be changed now or ever. I don't blame Andy, I don't blame you and I don't blame Jerry. I blame one person, the heartless son of a bitch that did this to us, no one else. You can't blame Andy, or even yourself for it. If you had to ask me the most basic question now, would I change things if I could I would say yes, I would change how it happened and that you and Andy had to be there to see it, to you know watch him...if I could change when it happened I would in a heartbeat, if I could have taken his place I would have done it in the spur of the moment, but given time to think about it, I probably would have been too scared too because of Leo. Am I sorry because I had my time with Jerry no, I will never be. Even though this has been the most heart-breaking thing ever, I will never be sorry about my time with Jerry. It was too short, but given the choice of knowing what I know now when I met him, I would take all this heartbreak all over again just to have the time I did with him. We all live on borrowed time Sam, we're police officers, we don't shoot to kill we shoot to stay alive. But look at you, you didn't nearly die on the job, you didn't get shot or worse, you had a heart attack. But it wasn't your time, you got a second chance to fix things and you're letting it slip through your fingers, you're pushing her away, and if it doesn't stop you'll lose her forever Sam, you won't get her back after this, ever. I would do just about anything to get a second chance Sam, anything, but you...I just don't know, I don't get it?" _

_"Traci, I would change what happened too if I could, I feel guilty for feeling the relief I felt that it wasn't Andy, for realizing just how close it had been to being her, he could just have easily killed her by giving her too much with the needle. I felt like I'm betraying Jerry for choosing to feel that relief, and seeing you, so broken, I could never do that to Andy. I ..."_

_"Sam, we both know that Andy had those same thoughts and feelings that it wasn't you, I had them that it wasn't Andy too. I'm not ashamed to admit it coz I know that if either of you had been with Jerry and someone had to die that day, it still would have been Jerry, he wouldn't have let it be either of you". _

_"I know". _

_"Andy knows that too, she also knows that if it was the two of you there, it would have been you instead of Jerry". _

_"Yup"_

_"Sam, you know that Andy went to Jo, do you know why she did?" _

_"Nope, haven't really had the chance to ask her that, it's like the most unlikely person I ever thought she'd turn to". _

_"Well, before Jo came to fifteen when you guys met her, she was at thirteen. She was seeing her TO, similar to how things have been with you and Andy, well long story short, they were patrolling one day when they got a domestic call over on River Drive. Jo found out she was pregnant but hadn't told her partner yet, anyway they get to the scene and the guy is holding his wife and three kids at gunpoint. So they go in, and talk him into letting the kids go, but he wants the wife. So the kids leave and Jo takes the wife by the hand and tells the perp she's leaving with her, he'll have to shoot her first to stop them, so he lifted the gun and pulled the trigger aiming it at Jo. Her partner pushed her out the way as the gun went off, he took one to the throat and one to the cheek, hit the ground dead right in front of Jo. She lost the baby too, she was left with nothing Sam. It was like ten years before she met Luke and well I can't really blame her for fighting for what she loves, she just did it the wrong way. For the first time since she lost everything, she finally felt something. While you were gone on the Brennan case, Jo and Andy had a similar case, but the guy shot his wife and daughter before they arrived. Jo didn't know and walked in on the scene, she nearly passed out. Andy took her outside and just let her cry, no matter how much she hated her. Later Jo thanked Andy for being there when she didn't deserve her, and told Andy her story, she also told Andy to never forgive her, and in her own way apologized to Andy. She told Andy that she too should never let go of something she truly loves, meaning you. That's how we ended up at the Alpine the next night". _

_"Seriously?"_

_"It's true, I promise. When Andy went to Jo, she only went there coz she didn't really have anywhere else to go, she didn't want to intrude on what she calls my time, she was alone and in a really bad place, she felt like she lost you, she felt like she was standing in Jo's shoes, so she went to Jo". _

_"I... I never meant to hurt her, just trying to keep her safe, protect her". _

_"Sam you can't keep her safe from herself and you can't protect her from her feelings. You just have to stop breaking her heart". _

_"How am I supposed to do that, when I'm the one that keeps breaking her heart every time I open my mouth? She got a promotion, so she's leaving anyway, she might..." _

_"Sam, she told me that too tonight, she doesn't know if she's going because she's too scared to decide, too scared to do it alone. She told me that you're taking a spot in Guns & Gangs anyway, so that means you're leaving too. She also told me that she asked you for one good reason not to go and you couldn't even give her that". _

_"Me going to Guns & Gangs is different, I'm taking a detective spot, running the UC's, I'm not gonna do them, she's gonna do them and she's never gonna come back. I can't let her do that, I can't let her..." _

_"So give her a reason then Sam. She threw you a lifeline when she said that, but you let it go, she didn't tell you that she might take the spot either simply because she didn't want you to fix things only because of that possibility. She's scared Sam, she's more scared than she's ever been, and she feels alone in the world right now. We've all changed, grown up and grown apart slightly, but those changes are part of growing up, becoming the people we are meant to be". _

_"You know she told me she won't hold me responsible for her mistakes? Is that how she sees us- having been a mistake?" _

_"Sam, she's saying those things to hurt you, as much as you're hurting her. She sees her and Luke as a mistake, having chosen the wrong guy, but Luke never had the power over her to break her heart. She was more upset by her own naïve ideas that he was the right choice, when she knew she should have chosen you, but you've always had the power to break her heart and she knew that from the beginning, she was scared then too, that's why she chose Luke. Why are you so determined to keep pushing her away Sam, I don't get it?"_

_"Because I can't lose her, I wouldn't survive that, be as strong as you Traci. It would destroy me". _

_"So by pushing her away you're not losing her? Sam giving someone up is the same as losing them". _

_"I know, I just know that she remains untainted by me this way, that the possibility of going through what you're going through over Jerry is not there if we're not together. I never want her to go through that". _

_"Sam, it's worse for her. She has to see you every day, knowing that she can reach out to you, to touch you or tell you how she feels, but she can't. She's not allowed to. How is she supposed to live like that?"_

_"How is it worse? You'll never get that chance again, she's the reason I'm doing this, she's the reason I'm being so selfish, I love her too much to ever want to hurt her like that, I...". _

_"Then you should tell her Sam, give her the reason to stay. Tell her why you did what you did, I can see you regret it, but it should be Andy's choice if she's willing to take the time she has with you. It should be her choice if she's willing to one day face the possible side effects of being a cop, although you told her you can't be a cop and be with her, it sounds like you chose her over being a cop, that's why you're taking the spot at Guns & Gangs, but you should tell her that, you need to tell her that. She deserves that much. Look I don't know what will happen, but one thing I do know is that Jerry thought you were the only couple that would ever survive both being a cop. He said that your relationship was based on what all relationships should be based on, Love. He saw it, we've all seen it and you've just told me that you love her, and I know she's told you, I think its time you tell her Sam. She knows you do, she is always telling me she can feel it radiating off of you, but before you say another word to her, tell her that. Tell her so she knows it. It'll keep her alive on the streets Sam, no matter what happens she'll keep on fighting to hear you say it, every day. Even though she knows you do, she needs to hear it. Give her, her reason to stay Sam. I'm taking a rain check on picking her up tomorrow morning, just so you know. Look I better get home, take care Sam". _

Traci stood up and patted his shoulder before walking away.

Never in a million years had he expected a speech like that from her. She was wise beyond her years, stronger than any single person he had ever met, but most of all she was right and he knew it.

As he watched her walk away he was still stunned by her words, everything she had said was true. And she had a counter for every excuse he tried to make. She saw right through all the bullshit he used as an excuse. It was easy to see why Jerry was so taken with her, a trait she shared with Andy, her unbound friendship and loyalty to those close to her.

Andy.

Just her name was enough to make him hang his head in shame at what he had done to her.

The unforgivable, and here he thought that breaking his silent promise to her was devastating.

He had failed to be there for her when she needed him the most.

Traci had just told him how alone Andy was feeling and how scared she was. And he thought he was scared. She sounded so scared that she was not even able to face him long enough to tell him that she got a promotion, or bought a car. How would he ever justify that kind of fear that he had so wrongfully instilled in her, that she couldn't face him long enough to tell him that?

That was the worst thing he had ever done to her. Breaking the most important promises he had made her- to always be there when she needed him and to never give her up without a fight.

Traci was right, now he had to tell her, now he had to fight to get her back and keep her, before he lost her forever.

But Traci was also right in saying Andy be thinking that he wanted to fix things because of the possibility that she might take the promotion.

How the hell was he gonna get around that one, and prove that it didn't matter if she was or wasn't, that the only thing he wanted was her?


	7. Chapter 7

Thanks to everyone that continues to read & review or follow this!

Special thanks to Kelly2727!

**Chapter 7**

Sam left the cemetery, his heart feeling lighter than it was when he had arrived, but it still felt like it was defective or it just existed.

He felt better for having had his say to Jerry, and having had Traci be there for Andy only the way a best friend could be. He would have to find some way to someday thank her.

He drove through the dark streets of the city, as it was well past 1am, his truck on autopilot as he made his way to Andy's condo.

He had no idea what he was gonna say, how he was gonna apologize, but he had to, now.

He didn't care if she was awake or sleeping, he didn't care if he arrived there and she had called someone to come over, needing a shoulder to cry on, the only thing he cared about was telling her she couldn't go and why she couldn't. He had to make her see that he didn't just want to fix things because of the department that her promotion was too, he just wanted things fixed, the way they were.

Arriving outside her condo, he parked the truck and sat inside staring at the building, trying to come up with something to say to her, anything.

But he kept coming up empty.

Deciding to do it the way he usually did with her, he climbed out the truck, walked over to the door and let his knuckles gently rap on the wooden door.

He was just gonna wait for her to open the door, and then let it all come tumbling out. He was gonna be normal with her and let it just come out naturally.

He knew what he wanted to say, just not how to say it.

He waited with bated breath as he stood fumbling with his hands in his pockets as he waited for her to open the door.

Less than sixty seconds later, the door swung open to reveal a red eyed Andy, with the worst bed hair Sam had ever seen, but she still took his breath away, as dishevelled as she looked.

Sam could see that she had not been sleeping, she was wide awake, and she looked more tired than he had ever seen her.

_"Sam, I'm not in the mood..."_

_"One reason Andy"._ Sam cut her words off before she could launch into kicking him out, before she even let him in.

_"What? One reason what?"_ Andy didn't even bother to hide her confusion as she stared at him.

_"You want one reason to stay, one reason to not take the spot with the drug squad, I can give you more than one, and so I've come to give you your reason". _

_"Sam its two am, this could have waited..."_

_"No Andy this can't wait, I need to give you the reason now". _

Andy looked at Sam noting the desperation in his voice, his eyes as he sounded like he was pleading with her to let him have his say. Andy stepped aside and let Sam in, following him into the kitchen.

Sam looked between Andy and the fridge, before walking over to the fridge and back to her with the marker from her paper pad fridge magnet that Gail got her to remember her groceries list. She always forgot something.

_"Arm"._ Sam said holding out his hand after taking the lid off the marker.

_"What?" _

_"Andy give me your arm"._

Sam watched as she hesitantly pulled her arm away from where she had it wrapped around herself to hold it out to him.

Her rolling her eyes, not missed by either of them.

He took hold of her hand, gently pulling her closer before pushing up the sleeve of the light blue hoodie she had on.

Turning her arm, Sam lifted the pale skin of the inside of her arm to turn it towards him, so that it was out of her line of vision, before pressing the cold tip of the marker to her skin, and began writing.

As he wrote and wrote Andy stared at him, disbelieving what her eyes were seeing. She watched in awe as he wrote some more, the concentration on his face causing his brows to furrow as he went.

If she wasn't so tired, she might even find this comical and juvenile enough to laugh.

When Sam was done writing, he pulled her sleeve back down, but still kept her arm in his grasp. Leaning over to the kitchen counter, he put the marker down before turning back to Andy to mumble, _'we need to talk before you read that'_, still clutching on to her arm.

His actions caused Andy to widen her eyes and her mouth to fall into an open o as she kept looking at him, waiting for whatever it was he wanted to say or do to happen.

_"I've written my reason on your arm, but we're gonna go and sit down and talk, and no matter what gets said, I wrote my reason on your arm first". _

_"Seriously Sam? More games?" _

_"Andy, we're gonna talk"._ Sam growled it out before he had a chance to stop himself. _"Sorry I didn't mean it like that. I know I'm probably the last person you want here right now, but you know what, I said I would always be here, and I meant it. This has as much to do with me as it does you, so I'm gonna be here now, and we're gonna talk, and I don't care what you say about it, or if you like it or not, that's the way its gonna happen"._

Sam said, casually as his mood shifted slightly to more calm and collected- more like Sam.

Andy stood rooted to the spot as she continued to stare at Sam. She was still in denial that he was even here, or how adamant he was that they talk.

His tone held authority in it, but not the TO kind, the Sam kind.

_"Sam, you don't need..."_

_"Andy don't fight me on this please, I'm not gonna back down on it, let me do one thing right". _

Andy nodded, before pulling her arm back and leaving it there as she waited for him to say his say as she chanted _'you can do this'_ over and over silently in her mind.

_"Andy..." _

_"Sam it's okay, you can say what you need to say now". _

_"What?"_

_"Just say whatever you felt you needed to so we can get this over with, I'm tired" _

_"Andy, I don't even know where to start..."_

Andy marched straight up to the front door, yanked it open and swept her arm in front of her, motioning that she wanted him to leave.

Sam walked up to Andy and stopped squarely between her and the door, before letting his hand rest on the wood as he pushed gently and let it swing closed, remaining rooted in front of her.

_"No, this time I'm not breaking another promise, I'm not gonna walk out the door and I'm not gonna let you get rid of me without a fight"._ Sam said as he pulled Andy's arm that he wrote on in between them before mumbling a _'read it'_.

_"Sam, I..."_

Sam pulled Andy's sleeve up and turned her arm towards her so that she could read what he had written.

Andy blinked her tears away as her arm was lifted in front of her; she stared at it blankly, her brain trying to understand what her eyes were seeing. She tore her gaze away and tried to focus it on Sam before blinking and looking back at her arm.

There, written in bold black marker were three simple little words, three little words she never thought she'd find on her arm. Three little words that stopped time stopped the world turning, stopped her heart.

Sam had written 'Sammy Loves Andy' on her arm, followed by one tiny little heart that he colour in, without her having noticed or felt it by the movement of the marker.

_"You wanted one reason not to go, that's the one reason I have to give you. I have a lot to say and a lot to make up for, but that is the one reason I can't let you take the spot, don't want you to take the spot, coz right now I know I've already lost you in one way, but I can't lose you that way". _

_"Sam..."_ Andy's usual incessant babbling and blurting had been rendered out of order as she stared at her arm while Sam spoke.

_"Ssshhh, don't say anything, I just wanted you to have you're reason, the real reason I've been such a jerk. I just want you to think about it, overthink it, but don't go..."_ Sam's voice trailed off as he felt himself begging her not to take the promotion.

If begging would get her to stay, he'd grovel on his knees if he had to.

_"Sam...I...I can't stay, I can't do this anymore. I can't have you there one day, and gone the next, it's giving me whiplash, and...and its breaking my heart. I...can't be there and be your friend Sam, not now". _

Sam dropped her arm as though her skin had scalded him.

Andy dropped her arm and pulled the sleeve down, as though it would erase the words that he had written, the words she so badly wanted to believe, but her heart wouldn't let her, wouldn't let it believe the words as being true.

_"I'm sorry Sam; I dunno what else to say. You chose the door, after you said you wouldn't, how long will it be before you do it again? How can you stay a cop when you can't be one and be anything to do with me?"_

Sam felt her words stab through his heart as she spoke them, but he accepted them. She was being honest, and she had the right. It was his just punishment, for causing her so much pain.

Sam stepped closer to Andy, she stepped back. He took another step forwards and she took another step back, this time Andy backed into the wall with nowhere to run as Sam took another step forwards.

Sam stopped a breath away from Andy, his arms reaching out around her until his hands found the surface of the wall behind her.

_"I get that, and forever will never be long enough to fix it, saying I'm sorry every day for the rest of my life, wouldn't be enough to make you feel how sorry I am. All I'm asking is for you to stay, stay alive, stay safe, and stay outta trouble. I'm leaving remember, so there is no reason for you to leave, that's all I'm asking for, that's all I want". _

Liar!

His brain screamed as soon as he uttered the words, that was not all he wanted, only part of it.

He wanted her to stay, right where she was, until they were old and grey, stay alive, by letting him feel her heartbeat whenever he rested his fingers over her heart, her chest rising and falling with every breath she took. He wanted to keep her safe, protect her, he wanted her, all of it, everything, the entire entity, the entire McNally.

_"Sam..." _

_"One more question Andy, then I'll leave you alone, will you give me one question?". _

Andy nodded, she was totally taken off course with Sam's brutal honesty and openness, something he never was.

_"When I asked you if you were pregnant outside the Penny, why did you look like so disappointed?"_

Andy felt a sudden wave of panic wash over her as his words registered.

Did he really just go there?

She looked up briefly to suss out Sam's thoughts or his...something while her brain scrambled to find an answer to that question.

She stared at him for all of two seconds before dropping her gaze, judging by the expression on his face- he just went there.

_"McNally"._ Sam growled out, waiting for an answer.

_"I...um... Why, why would you think that?"_ She was playing for time and they both knew it.

_"We both know it, so why?"._

Shit!

Sam had her stuck between a wall and a raging inferno, his eyes were twinkling, the flecks of light brown he had in them, they went to a golden brown before darkening to almost black, a clear sign of frustration.

_"It's...none of your business Sam, nothing to do with me, has anything to do with you anymore". _

_"That the best you got?"_ Sam let his eyebrows waft up as he whispered his words.

Although they weren't harsh, Andy felt the sting of his words as they rolled over his lips and into her ears, without thinking she lifted one hand to let it swing in an attempt to find its mark across his cheek, but his reactions were much quicker than hers, he caught her wrist in mid-air before it found its target.

Andy stared wide eyed at Sam, disbelieving her own actions, had she really just tried to slap him? Her eyes drifted to the marker pen ink that broke free of the cover of her sleeve, before letting out the most gut wrenching sob Sam had ever heard.

She tried to hold it in, she tried to hold back the tears, she really did but she just couldn't.

Sam pulled her hand down to rest it in his own against his chest as he watched her finally just let go of everything she had been holding in.

He wanted nothing more than to be able to erase that moment form their lives, the sorrow that had bought on her tears, the pain that pushed them into that position, the heartache that was tearing them apart.

Pulling her forwards Sam wrapped his other arm around her as he pulled her against his chest, letting her tuck her head in next to where their hands were still clutched tightly, resting clung together over his heart.

_"I'm so sorry"._ Sam whispered as his hand moved up from its resting place on her waist, to rub up and down her back, before gently smoothing over her hair.

Andy rested her ear against Sam's chest as her tears dropped down to wet his shirt. She listened as his heart kept a steady rhythm under her ear, a heart that had stopped beating a little over a week ago. But there was something different in its rhythm now, it was as if it was skipping beats, it wasn't the normal strong, steady heartbeat she would hear when she rested her head on his chest, using it as a pillow, like she used to.

Now it sounded more like splintering wood, like it was cracking as it was being torn apart piece by piece.

It was like she was listening to Sam's heart break.

Pulling away Andy stared at Sam, her eyes filled with unspoken questions as they gazed into his own. He leaned forwards, letting his forehead rest gently against hers, as he moved his hand from her back to wipe away the few tears that still strayed across her cheeks, the other still clutching her hand tightly to his chest.

_"What are we doing?"_ Sam breathed the words out barely above a whisper, before he saw Andy shrug.

_"I dunno, I have no idea". _

_"This is not how I wanted things to go Andy; I just didn't know how to do any of this. I know I screwed up, and I know I hurt you, and I can never take it back, and I...just don't know if I can forgive myself for that". _

_"Sam, no matter what anybody says about grief, and about time healing all wounds, the truth is there are certain sorrows that never fade until the heart stops beating and the last breath is taken. I get what you're going through, I see what it's doing to you, But the truth is, I dunno if I can forgive you for what you said, now anyway, maybe one day when it's not so raw..."_

_"Andy stop. I came here to give you your reason to stay, I don't expect you to forgive me for what I said or did, but I don't blame you either for hating me right now..."_

_"I don't hate you Sam"._ Andy cut his words short; she could never let him believe that she hated him. _"I just...I dunno, I don't hate you, I just hate where we are you know?"_ Andy couldn't help the questions that seemed to flourish in her eyes as she spoke. _"I think about where we are, and I think about what we said, like when said there would be no going back and I said I didn't wanna go back, or like how you said all I wanted was to be a cop and all you wanted was me, and somewhere along the lines it changed to you saying you couldn't be a cop and be with me, and I just don't know how we got there. I dunno how we're supposed to be normal, and I dunno where I went wrong with this, us..."_

_"It wasn't you, it was never you, it was me so don't for one second put this on yourself, I wanted it like this..."_

_"You wanted it like this? You wanted to leave me standing in the rain while you drove away? When you told me we're over..."_

The anger lacing Andy's voice caused her to start trembling as she turned a light shade of pink as she twisted Sam's words to suite her once again.

Sam felt the panic boil over as she began to try break free of his embrace, but he just tightened his arms around her, keeping her crushed to him as he watched her face crease as his words hurt, and her eyes drop down to look anywhere but at his.

_"That's not what I meant McNally. I wanted to push you away coz this, us, this is scaring me, the thought of losing you like Nash lost Jerry, when it could so easily have been you, that scared me more than I have ever been scared. I thought that by pushing you away, I could keep you safe, protect you, I only said I couldn't be a cop and be with you coz that part is true, when you're around I can't think straight, I can't see straight, I compromise my choices and my decisions and that puts you in danger Andy. If there is ever a situation where the priority of life code really affected my judgment, I know I would make the choice to suite me; I would be selfish and protect the single most important thing in my life without hesitation. That is not being a cop Andy that is a cop being in love with his partner. I can't be both, coz we're both at risk and so are the people we're meant to serve and protect. That's why I took a detectives spot at Guns & Gangs and asked for you to be partnered with Oliver, if I'm not around you, I can't risk you're life by being distracted"._

Sam started in a growl, and finished in a whisper as he finally let the unabridged truth slip from his lips, as Andy stared at him wearing a look of bewilderment and confusion, but she had stopped trying to pull away.

_"I don't want you to take the spot, that's all I'm asking. I've seen what that does to people and if I have to beg you not to go, I will. Right now, I'm figuring myself out, and as long as you're not there, I know you'll be okay. Everything else, us..."_

_"Do you blame me for Jerry?"_

The single most important truth Andy needed to know slipped out at the most awkward time, but since Sam had implied that his blame lay with her, it was the worst feeling she had ever felt, being blamed for costing one of his best friends their life. And she needed to know.

_"No never. What I said, I just used it as an excuse to push you further away. I blame me, I really do, but someone told me that no matter who Jerry was there with that day, if someone had to die, it would have been Jerry no matter what, and I believe that, I really do, coz that's how Jerry was. I was angry at him, me, the world and you kinda stepped into the line of fire and I took it out on you and I'm sorry, but I don't blame you, not then, not now"._ Sam leaned in as he spoke his apology. He was being truthful when he said he didn't blame her.

"But you said..."

Sam didn't let Andy finish, he knew her well enough to know she was overthinking what he didn't want her to, so he did the only logical thing he could, and succumbed to the temptation of her lips being so close.

Andy froze the instant his lips grazed over hers before she pulled back and stared at Sam the way she had when he gave her his TO speech, with the same innocent yet inquisitive look she had that day.

Sam just couldn't resist, she was so close and he had missed the feel of her, he just couldn't help himself.

_"Sorry"._ He mumbled as he attempted to hide the sad look that he felt dancing in his eyes by leaning forwards to bury his face in her hair, just to get the chance to hold her close and inhale her scent.

_"Sam, I don't get this, you, everything, I can't be friends after everything we've been through, I dunno...where do we go from here?"_ Sam felt her stiffen at her own words, as he remembered Traci's words, _'you need to tell her, she needs to hear it'._ But she didn't pull away; she let him move closer although he could feel her still trembling.

So he opened his mouth and let the only words he could think of slip out in a muffled whisper against her hair.

_"Marry me"._


	8. Chapter 8

Wow, you guys are totally amazing with your reviews & follows, please keep them coming!

Special thanks to Kelly2727!

**Chapter 8**

Andy heard the words, and felt Sam's breath flush against her cheek as he spoke, as it slipped through the curtain of her hair. She felt the vibration of his lips against her temple as they moved, so she knew he spoke, she just wasn't sure she heard right.

He didn't just go there. Or did he?

Pulling back suddenly, and unexpectedly, Andy managed to move a step back, between Sam and the wall just enough to violently lift her head to see his face.

And judging by how it looked, he really just went there.

Andy's only response was a high pitched **"What?"** Before she started shaking her head as if it would erase the moment from their minds forever.

_"I know you heard me McNally"._ Sam said as he saw her eyes mist with new unshed tears and she pulled her quivering lip between her teeth as she bit down on it.

_"No, you don't mean that. How can you say that? How can you even think of going there Sam? Are you totally insane? I know you've had a lot to deal with, but that, that...uh-hu..." _

_"Andy, have I ever lied to you? I want..."_ Sam felt Andy pull to the side of him as she pulled free of his grip. Fear and panic written all over her face that had been soft and blushing seconds before.

_"Seriously? So that's how you intend on keeping me here? After everything else you've tried has failed, you would stoop to that level to get what you want? How can you even... You know what, I think you should go now, I can't deal with this right now"._ Andy was yelling as she began to frantically pace around her lounge.

Sam let out a frustrated sigh as he let his hands run over his face, before moving them through his hair and back down to pinch the bridge of his nose.

_"That has nothing to do with it. It's all I've ever wanted with you..." _

_"Sam, you don't get it. Right now I can't...you can't..." _

_"Can't what McNally?"_

_"This"._ Andy turned around to find Sam standing a lot closer than she realized. Even though his voice was raised and his tone was sharp, it held raw pain as he spoke.

_"What happened to me not giving up without a fight? What happened to me making things right? This is me not giving up; this is me fighting for a chance to fix things Andy. It's what I want even though it's not what I came here for, it's still what I want. I made a mistake okay, I screwed up and I'm never gonna forgive myself for it, its not some ploy to keep you here, it's...it's..."_

_"It's what Sam? You broke your promise to be there when I needed you, and when I tried to be there for you when you needed it more than I did, you wouldn't let me. When you walked away you decided it was over, that it wasn't worth it, so now you just wanna pick up where we left off so that one day you can do what everyone else does and just walk away? Just give it all up for whatever reason you have then? I know how that feels Sam, I don't wanna have to do it all over again, this time with you, I can't do that. So no, we are not going there, and no I'm probably not gonna stay. We can't keep doing this Sam"._ Andy sniffled as she finished her whispered her final words before spinning around and making her way to her bedroom before slamming the door.

Curling up on her unmade bed, she noticed the soft ink marks that still traced their way up her arm as the marker peeked out at her where her sleeve rode up.

If he really meant his words, why did he have to do his damnedest to force her to stay? This is what she loved; she had only ever wanted to be a cop. She loved Sam more than being a cop, and she would give it up to be with him without ever being asked to, so why did he have to make it so damned hard? Why couldn't he just be happy for her, why couldn't he just ask her to stay?

She heard the slamming of her condos front door, indicating that he had left, only this time he was really angry by the level of echo that sounded through the silence now filling her apartment.

Andy woke to the noise of traffic outside her window, signalling the start of a busy day. Realizing that she over slept and was late to meet Traci, Andy jumped out of bed and ran in search of her phone to find a text from Traci cancelling their day, with the promise to call later.

Relieved in a sense of not having to load more problems on her suffering friends shoulders, Andy found herself back on her bed moments later, the covers pulled up high over her head.

Sam sat watching the sun come up over the marina, the soft rays reflecting over the water as the images of boats flickered under the suns filtering rays.

He sat in silence as he let thoughts of Andy run rampant through his mind. He had not been shocked that he uttered the three little words in black ink up her arm, or that he uttered another two that he thought he would never say, to anyone ever. But the minute he met her, he knew that she'd get the words out of him someday.

So why did he feel like such a jackass?

His timing with the words was all wrong, but he wasn't a planner. That was Andy, her and her five year plan that she had so freely given up when she said screw the plan, left it in a message on his voicemail.

But as he said to her before he shocked her, this was him not giving up, this was him fighting for a chance to set things right, so why the hell was he sitting here moping like some lost soul?

Deciding to swing past the barn to thank Oliver for tipping him off to Andy's departure, Sam started the truck and left the marina, even though his body was screaming for a bed and sleep, he just didn't want to be home alone now, and he had a few more apologies to dish out for his recent behaviour, and he had a baby to go see. He hadn't even been to see Noelle yet, too wrapped up in his own miserable life that he had created. It was a wonder that anyone was even talking to him.

Andy finally dragged her lazy self out of bed and grabbed a shower and got dressed after Traci called her after lunch time. Traci insisted on meeting Andy at the Penny for lunch, and threatened to drag her down there if she wasn't there to meet her. Her reason was they had to celebrate Andy getting her car the next day, and her promotion because Andy would be back on shift tomorrow and there was no guarantee that they'd have time then.

Andy arrived at the Penny fifteen minutes late as she usually was, to find Traci waiting for her. Relief washed over Traci's face as she set eyes on Andy blowing in the door.

_"Hey Trace". _

_"Hey you okay, you're kinda pale"_

Andy sat down and let out a huffed breath. She stopped by the barn on her way over, to leave papers in her locker for her car being delivered there tomorrow and came face to face with a little surprise from Sam.

Everyone stood staring at her, or smiling in her direction as she walked through the bullpen and into the locker room. Whispers drifted through the air as she passed the faces, only they weren't hiding the fact that their whispers were about her.

Coming to a stop in front of her locker, she dug around in her bag for the papers, before pulling them out as she looked up at her locker door to find it covered in a little artwork.

Spray painted on her locker door was a heart that covered most of the door with the same words left on her arm last night.

_'Sammy loves Andy'. _

Andy froze as she stared at the words before the papers she was clutching dropped from her hand and floated down to the floor.

She had tried to scrub the words from her arm in the shower, but they still remained in a soft hue of black, running up her arm, refusing to be callously washed away.

Andy stepped back, until she felt the wooden bench against the back of her legs, before she felt herself bend and sit down. Never taking her eyes off her locker door.

He had said he wasn't giving up, and that he didn't expect anything, he just wanted her to be safe and to stay, so as she looked at the words as they began to swim in her vision, she realized she wanted to stay. She realized how stupid she had been. To finally have everything she actually had ever wanted, there in the palm of her hand.

Wiping away the few stray tears, she moved off the bench, and picked up her papers before putting them in her locker and making a quick stop before leaving the barn to meet Traci.

_"...Andy? Are you okay?"_ Traci's voice rang through her memories.

_"Yeah, fine". _

_"Andy you know you suck at lying right?"_

_"Um yeah I know, so you were saying?" _

_"I asked what's up with you and Sam, coz he's still sitting over there and you're still sitting over here?"_

_"What?"_ Andy whipped her head around to find Sam sitting in his chair at the bar staring at her in the mirror, she hadn't even noticed him come in to the Penny, she was so reliving her memory of her locker door that the rest of the world just seemed to tune itself out.

He looked away as she looked up, and in that one single second there, the world seemed to right itself.

That one single moment defined her, for who she was, and what she wanted, and _how she wanted it. Damn the consequences. _

_"Traci, just give me a second"._ Andy said as she moved of her chair before walking up to stand behind Sam. _"This chair taken?"_

Sam nodded for her to sit down, turning slightly to face her, although he kept his elbows firmly resting on the bar.

_"I know I said this before, that we had a chance to start over, but we sorta didn't, we just carried on. We knew the risks involved before we did this, and you know what? We both took the same chance, the same risk, and we both made mistakes". _

Andy paused just long enough to see Sam lift an eyebrow and bite back the smirk that was threatening to take over his face.

_"So...Hi I'm Andy McNally, just took a transfer from the drug squad to the fifteenth"_. She said as she held out her hand for him to shake.

_"Swarek, detective, I just took a transfer from Guns & Gangs to the fifteenth"_. Sam said taking hold of her hand and gently going through the motions of shaking it. Dimples finally making an appearance.

_"Sam?"_

Andy couldn't quite figure out if he got what she was saying, that she was staying, or that she wanted to start over, clean slate.

_"Yeah, I'm taking Jerry's spot"._ Sam said dropping her hand, unsure of how she would react now that he was staying at fifteen.

_"Seriously?"_ Andy's mega smile broke free, as she dropped her hands into her lap, and fumbled with whatever unseen item her mind thought up, she was nervous.

_"Yup, you see, there's a promise I kinda made to someone, that I have every intention of keeping, so if I walk away now, I'm never gonna get the chance to keep that promise. She deserves this promise, so this one I'm gonna keep no matter what it takes"._ Sam wasn't quite sure if she was getting what he was trying to say by the confused look on her face he assumed she didn't coz he had never really made a promise to her that started or ended with the words 'I promise'.

_"A promise? You never made me..."_

_"Sorry guys, Andy I've gotta go get Leo, I'll tell him you're taking a rain check..."_

_"No, I promised him we were gonna bake cookies, so that's what we're gonna do"._

Traci felt so bad interrupting them, but she had to leave now or she was gonna be late.

_"Can I call you later?"_ Andy asked Sam as she turned to face him, hopeful eyes on full display.

Sam nodded, feeling hopeful that they were finally taking a step forwards instead of a step back.

Sam made his way home just as the threatening grey clouds released their watery contents down around them. It was the soft, gentle rainfall that he loved to sit and watch trickle down over the windows as Andy lay sleeping.

The memory made him sigh as he walked into his house, cursing his own stupidity.

Andy had left the Penny hours ago with Traci, but he found himself checking his phone every ten seconds to make sure he wouldn't miss her call. Deciding to grab a shower, he took one last look at his phone before leaving it on the basin counter top in the bathroom before turning on the water.

After showering Sam phoned a pizza order in for delivery before plonking himself down on the couch and watching reruns of shows he never watched, still keeping his phone under his eyes.

Time went by slowly; Sam got his pizza and still no call from Andy. He contemplated calling her, but wanted to give her the space she seemed to need. And he didn't have the heart to tear her attention away from a little boy.

Six turned to seven as nightfall hovered over them, the relentless drizzle still fluttering down. Seven turned to eight, then to nine and still no call from Andy.

As Sam switched off the lamp in the lounge that was illuminating the room, he heard the soft rapping on his door. Switching the light back on, he moved to open the door to find one drowned rat looking Andy standing on his doorstep.

Her wet hair streaked rain down it under the covering of the deck roof, plastered to her face, before she tried to shake it off.

_"Andy?"_ Sam didn't need to say anymore to ask if she was okay, just the frowning of his eyebrows and questioning tone was enough to speak for him.

_"Um...yeah, I was gonna call, but I dropped it in a puddle"_ Andy said as she waived her soaked phone in front of him as if to prove it was not gonna make a call.

Sam stepped aside and let her walk into his house, her blue lips reflecting in the light of the lamp as she walked into the lounge, a trail of wet footprints trailing behind her.

_"Andy, take a shower, you're freezing"_. Sam said taking hold of her ice cold hand that had progressed from trembling to shaking.

_"I'm fine, I just needed to know what promise you made..."_

_"McNally, take I shower first, I'll be here when you get out. You're...stuff is still in the..."_ Sam said waiving his hand in the direction the bedroom and bathroom.

Andy smiled at the thought that her stuff remained where she left it, she had though he would have thrown it out by now, seeing as he hadn't returned any of it.

Andy nodded before hesitating for a moment, _"Thanks"_ she whispered before walking away, leaving Sam to wonder what she was really gonna say.

Sam heard her run the water, and about twenty minutes later, heard the dryer going before silence echoed through the house.

Walking towards the bedroom Sam called out to Andy before he reached the doorway, inching the door open just enough to stick his head in.

_"Andy?" _

When she didn't respond Sam stepped into the room to see Andy sitting on the bed, the dryer lying next to her as she stared at her neatly folded clothes on the top of the chest of drawers as she clutched one of his shirts in her hands.

_"You thought I was coming back? You always leave them there, you didn't expect for things to go the way they did, did you?"_ Andy asked motioning to the pile of pyjamas she had on the last time she was here.

_"No, that just kinda happened"._ Sam said stepping towards her.

_"So you just left them there and forgot about them?"_

_"Nope". _

_"Then why didn't you give them back?"_ Andy still hadn't looked at Sam, but he could see the display of emotions cross her face as he moved from in front of her to sit next to her on the edge of the bed.

_"They still smell like you"._ Sam let the honest confession slip before he had a chance to filter his words.

Andy turned to give him an amused smirk at hearing his words before looking down at his shirt, the same reason she had picked it up- just to smell him, his scent still lingering potently on it.

_"So you're staying?"_ Sam let the words flow freely as he turned to look in front of him at nothing in particular.

_"Yeah, you?"_ Andy breathed the words out more than she spoke them, only now she was watching him intently.

_"Yeah, I have a promise to keep". _

_"About that... You never made me any promises that you need to keep Sam, I get it..." _

Sam turned to face her, causing Andy to lose the will to carry on babbling.

_"I did and that's one promise I'm not gonna break". _

_"What did you promise me Sam?"_ Andy was tiring of the back and forth motions they kept doing, this had to come to an end before it killed one of them, coz it was killing her inside a little more each day.

***so what you think**


	9. Chapter 9

Thanks for all the awesome reviews & follow! You guys have been awesome!

Special thanks to Kelly2727!

**Chapter 9**

_"What did you promise me Sam?"_ Andy was tiring of the back and forth motions they kept doing, this had to come to an end before it killed one of them, coz it was killing her inside a little more each day.

_"To love you, to keep loving you, to be here to be in love with you. When I wrote that on your arm, I gave you the promise of that, and no matter what happens, nothing will ever change it. I was stupid enough to think that I could change it if you weren't around much, but I failed miserably and broke your heart instead and I'm sorry for being a jackass of epic proportions. But I love you, I really do, and that's just not gonna go away"._ Sam let his secrets slip loose of his lips because she deserved to know.

He had on a few occasions used the word love, but they were few and far between, and they were never said with the intensity of meaning behind them that he felt now.

Sam watched Andy's face fall at his words, he clearly struck a nerve somewhere, with something he said, but he didn't have the faintest idea what.

He watched as Andy let her hand drift up to clamp it over her eyes before she just flopped back on the bed.

Had she really been that dense to miss every important thing Sam had said or done that told her why he was doing all of this the whole time?

Andy removed her hand from her eyes as she felt the mattress dip next to her, to see Sam mirror her position across the bed, only he was looking at her, like as in really looking at her, almost looking through her.

_"Sam I don't know where to go from here, I dunno what you want, from the world, life, me..." _

_"There's only one thing I want McNally"._ Sam rolled on to his side to face her, as he propped himself up on one arm, hovering just above her.

_"What?"_

_"To be with you"._ Sam found his face drifting incredibly close to hers of its own accord, pulled in by an unseen force. He was resisting the urge to lean in and just kiss her, the memory of what happened the last time he tried that was still too fresh in his mind. He saw the edges of Andy's lips tug up in a small smile, a red hue slipping its way up her neck and before reaching her cheeks.

Sam closed his eyes and inhaled Andy's scent before letting his arm slip from under his head, allowing him to lay back down flat on his back. This had to be her choice, her decision, he wouldn't try influence her decision by weakening her senses, infusing it into a lust filled state the minute things got heated and carried away, which was so easy when he simply just touched her.

_"Sam?"_

_"Yeah?"_ Sam felt Andy take hold of one of his hands, intertwining their fingers as she held on to it tightly.

_"Can we stay here, like this for a while?"_

Sam nodded, keeping his eyes closed, as he gently squeezed her hand.

_"Sam?"_

_"Mmmm"_

_"Saaaaam, are you kidding me?"_

Andy was whining, almost as though she thought he had fallen asleep.

Sam was so content to just lay there with her, holding her hand, no harsh words being exchanged.

He had missed this more than he would ever admit to another soul.

He felt Andy shuffle around next to him and opened one eye to see what she was doing, when he felt the tickle of hair brush across his face, to find her inches away from his face, before she crashed her lips into his, rendering him utterly stunned and speechless before his mind jumped to rational thinking.

Pushing her away by gently putting a hand to her shoulder, Sam broke the kiss as Andy let her head drop to Sam's chest as she mumbled a _'sorry'_ slightly breathlessly.

_"Andy, believe me when I say, that there is nothing more I want than to kiss you right now, but you need to figure out what you wanna do, before this goes any further. I'm not gonna cloud your decisions by dragging you into my bed and you regret it in the morning". _

Andy's head lifted to peer at Sam from under a head of dishevelled hair.

_"This, I want this, you, us. It was always you, and I know that we have a long way to go before we get to where we were, but you promised to fight for it if things got tough, and that's what you're doing, so we're gonna do it together, I'm gonna fight with you to keep it and make it better...". _

Andy's words failed as she felt Sam pull her back down to meet his lips, pouring every emotion he wanted to convey into that one single moment.

_"Will you stay here, just like this, for tonight?"_ Sam breathed out after Andy's head found a resting place on his chest, his arms wrapped around her, savouring the moment.

_"Sam..."_

_"Just like this..."_

_"Wouldn't wanna be anywhere else". _

Sam felt the relief sweep through him as she whispered her answer.

_"Andy, one more thing?"_

_"Um...yeah, I'm still awake"._ Andy had been lying without moving and Sam knew it wouldn't be long before she drifted off to sleep.

_"I love you, and one day I'm gonna marry you"._

Sam felt her breath catch as his words stole it away.

_"Really? Sam..."_

_"Really. One day". _

_"I love you too Sam"._ Andy whispered as her yawn took over.

Sam smiled, at least this time she hadn't said no.

Another thought crossed his mind as he draped his arm tightly over her. In the beginning when Oliver pushed him into talking to her, he had made the assumption that she was pregnant, only to find out she wasn't, he realized then in that moment that he was hoping she would say she was, and he was more than a little disappointed when she said she wasn't. Oliver had been right though, letting her go at all, even if the spot at the drug squad wasn't on the table, and he would be making the biggest mistake of his life.

He had only assumed that she was pregnant because when faced with an opportunity like that he couldn't help but let his mind dream up what he so wishfully desired for.

A child with Andy, now that thought made him smile.

_"Andy?"_

_"Mmm?"_

_"If there is one thing you could ever do for Traci, what would you do?" _

_"Give her Jerry's car"_. Andy mumbled her voice encased in sleep.

_"Jerry's car?" _

_"Yeah, she wanted his car but couldn't afford it, I'd already bought mine, so couldn't help her. She really wanted the car just because he loved it so much"._

When the sun filtered into Sam's bedroom, Andy woke up, first thinking she was still dreaming as she looked around the room, before she saw Sam watching her.

_"What?"_ Andy giggled out as she looked at him before pulling the covers over her face.

_"Just thinking how I could get used to this McNally". _

His words elicited another fit of embarrassed giggles from her.

_"We have to get going, we need to be somewhere before shift". _

_"Where?"_

_"Just get up McNally"._ Sam whined before getting out of bed.

Two hours later Andy pulled up outside Traci's house, revving the engine before hitting the hooter, hoping it was enough to draw Traci's attention. She looked up to see Sam pull into the driveway behind her in his truck.

Seconds later the front door flew open and Andy saw Traci stop in her tracks as she paled at what her eyes were seeing.

Andy turned off the engine and climbed out, making her way over to Traci, holding out the set of keys.

_"Andy...?"_ Traci's voice choked as her sobs became too much to hold in, before Andy swept Traci into a tight hug.

_"A little thank you from Sam"._ Andy whispered into her ear.

_"No, I can't..."_

_"Yes you can, I figure you said something to him sometime, and it sorta, kinda fixed him, so thank you! I know you wanted this car, and I know why, so it's Sam's gift to you"._ Andy didn't need to say more, Traci nodded against her shoulder as she let the tears fall.

Sam watched in awe as Traci became emotional over such a simple object. To him it was just a car, but it was clearly evident that to her it was much more than a red hunk of metal with an engine and wheels.

The thought of Jerry approving brought a smile to his lips, he just knew that his friend would have been more than happy with his idea of getting his car and giving it to Traci.

Sam watched as Andy and Traci stood in a lingering embrace, Andy wiping away a few times at her eyes, clearly wiping away tears as her emotions ran away again, only this time he knew that they were tears of happiness, he for once in recent times causing her to cry for something happy rather than causing the tears of sorrow to plunder her usually smiling face.

After Andy and Traci said their goodbyes, Traci turned to mouth Sam a 'thank you' as Andy climbed into the truck before he pulled out the driveway, heading for the station.

Pulling into the parking lot, Sam saw the worry lines crease across Andy's face, as she was obviously overthinking how she was going to explain them arriving at work together when everyone clearly knew that he had been such an ass and walked away.

Switching off the ignition, Sam leaned over and took one of her hands in his, her eyed flying up to meet his as her teeth tugged on her lip.

_"It's the same as any other day, except we're like really late, but Frank let us have the time when I asked for it, so don't overthink it"_. Sam said as he squeezed her hand before letting it go.

_"You know they're all gonna ask, and I kinda don't know what to say"_. Andy said as Sam walked next to her towards the door, eyes already watching them from inside.

_"So don't say anything"._ Sam said pulling the door open for her to walk into the building.

_"You know that's not gonna work"_. Andy said as she kept her eyes on the floor, walking directly into the locker room as she reached it.

Fifteen minutes later, Andy emerged from the locker room, dressed in her uniform. Stevens pointed towards the door at seeing Andy look around for Sam, before she thanked him and made her way in search of her obvious partner for the day, considering that they were both late Best probably paired them together.

She found Sam leaning against the cruiser, coffees in hand waiting for her.

_"I know what I'm gonna say"._ Andy said reaching her hand out for a coffee.

_"To what?"_ Sam's eyebrows creased in confusion at her sudden statement.

_"When they ask...um...about this"._ Andy waived a hand between them.

_"And what's that?" _

_"That you changed your mind"._ Andy couldn't help but smile a satisfied grin as her eyes twinkled in mischief at her own statement.

_"About?". _

_"Your rules". _

_"McNally...?"_

_"Your TO rules, your speech, you said your car, your rules, you're not here to be my boyfriend and hold my hand, so I'm just gonna tell them that you changed your mind". _

Sam couldn't help the dimpled grin that took over his face at her statement. She was letting him know that she was gonna give him a chance to work on them, to fix things. Even though she had told him she was willing to fight with him on it, it was her way of reassuring him, now in uniform that things were gonna be okay.

That they were gonna be okay.

*******Thanks for reading!**

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	10. Chapter 10

Thanks for all you're awesome reviews, they make my day!

Special thanks to Kelly2727.

A/N: okay so trying something new, never done an epilogue before so let me know what you think! And what you think about my way of wrapping this one up.

*This one's for brithand, coz you wanted to see the little Sammy's & Andy's in the Fallen, sorry it's a story late, & not exactly as you imagined, but here goes-

**Epilogue. **

The silence echoed through the cemetery as Oliver walked slowly towards the huddled figure resting on the grass, basking in the warm sunshine as it filtered down on the rows of neatly packed tombstones.

Hearing the sound of approaching footsteps, a hand moved to brush the tears that fell from her dark eyes as the other hand moved to run through her long, rich brown hair.

_"Hey kiddo". _

_"Uncle Ollie, how did you know I was here?"_

She looked so much like her mother in that moment; Oliver's heart broke at the memories of once seeing Andy look the same as Sammy did now.

_"It wasn't that hard, Brandon called and asked if we'd seen you, said you had a fight and took off". _

Sammy nodded and tried to wield a weak smile as more tears misted her eyes.

_"I made a mistake, and I don't know how to fix it"._ She whispered as she stood up to let herself be drawn into a tight hug.

_"Honey we all make mistakes, it's part of growing up, there's nothing that can't be fixed, look at them"._ Oliver nodded towards the two grey tombstones resting side by side as his mind drifted back to thirty years ago and the day Sammy met his match when he met Andy McNally. He had brief glimpses of their relationship as if flourished and blossomed over the years, Jerry's death and how badly it affected Sam, scaring him to such an extent that he closed himself off and backed away from Andy, nearly ripping them apart.

He remembered Sam and Andy getting it together after that, and that this time they were truly happy, and together. He reflected over how Sam had taken over Jerry's spot and Andy thrived as a street cop, he remembered the night Sam called him at something like two Am when they were stuck in another blackout and Sam proposed to Andy and she said yes, he just blurted it out while they were sitting in the lounge surrounded by candles, and had to share the news. He remembered their wedding day, Andy never looking more beautiful than she had when she walked down the aisle towards him and Sam waiting at the front of the chapel. The memories of Sam proposing a toast at the Penny to Andy the day she told him she was pregnant flickered through his mind, as did the day Andy went into labour and the Smile Sam had on his face when he first introduced them all to his daughter- Samantha Claire Swarek, also known as Sammy. The happy memories flowed into sad ones as the images of a late night knock on his door revealed the tear stained cheeks of his former rookie Dov standing there giving him the death notification of one Sam and Andy Swarek, killed on impact on one of their Thursday night dates, a head on collision claiming their lives by a drunk driver, when neither of them had touched a drop of alcohol.

He remembered the feelings of fear encasing him as he whispered _'Sammy?'_ To Dov, not knowing where their three year old daughter was. And the relief that swept through him as Dov mumbled out a _'Traci'_, and he remembered Dov's silent question of asking him to go with them to tell Traci and Sammy of the gaps that would now fill their lives.

The silent movie of images that filled his mind's eye changed to flickering over Sammy's life, as his hug tightened around her.

Her moving to Sarah's until Sarah found out she had cancer and asked Oliver to take Sammy before she got too sick, the cancer had manifested itself throughout all her vital organs with no way of removing the tumours. Oliver had never felt more proud in that moment, Sarah asking him to take this little life into his, but he was getting older, and was soon retiring. He suggested to Sarah that they ask Traci, and when they went to see her, he saw the love Traci had for Andy in her eyes for the first time in years as she looked at Sam and Andy's daughter.

Sammy had been six then and just starting school.

An image of a teary-eyed thirteen year old followed as he saw a memory of Sammy on her first father-daughter school dance that he had been asked to take her to. She was so sad that day, crying that her parents left her behind because they didn't love her. His explanation had been that, they loved each other too much to live without the other, but they loved her too much to not leave her behind. She was their gift to them and the world.

Oliver's mind flowed over memories of her growing up and her friendships with his girls, Leo, Andrea Diaz, and finally her meeting Brandon.

_"Uncle Ollie, I don't think I can fix this one"_. Sammy sobbed into his shoulder. _"I kinda totally freaked out when Brandon asked if I was ready to be a Callaghan tomorrow and I snapped that I would stay a Swarek. He said that it was my choice and then I told him that I'm the last surviving Swarek by name, but tomorrow it changes, I don't want it to change, I don't wanna loose the last part of them that I have left. I threw my ring at him and left. I am so stupid!"_

_"Oh Sweetheart, you'll never lose the fact that you're just like them"_. Oliver's heart broke for her; she thought she was losing the last part of what kept her a part of two people she didn't really remember.

_"Really? But I just can't help wonder if they'd be happy with me now, this? Proud, you know". _

_"Sammy it's always meant to have been like this. From the first day you two met, it was like watching them all over again. Remember the day you met? You turned around and dumped your coffee all over him? It was more graceful than how your mother tackled your dad, but the same sparks were there. Noelle saw it and the first thing she said was 'here we go again'"._ Oliver couldn't help but smile at the memory of Sammy's first day at fifteen, her having decided to follow in her parents footsteps. _"I remember watching you being assigned to detective assistance when you broke your ankle, and I saw the way you two were with each other, then on the John sting, when he asked to be assigned to surveillance I was sure that it was going somewhere, but then you got in the car with the john and we lost the mike, I'll never forget the look of panic on his face before the anger showed up. Then he was out the van to the car and pulled the door open when he saw the John's hand on your leg, I thought it was lost when he exploded like that. I swear I thought he was gonna kill the John, but when he stepped away and let you have it; I thought it was over before it started. Then when things were so bad between you after that, Leo came home and I saw how jealous it made Callaghan, and I knew there was something there. I was just waiting. When you got shot in the leg, the boy was a mess, even though they said you were okay, and you were only in surgery for forty-five minutes, but still there was this gap between you. That night at the Penny? When he took that paramedic out for drinks, I saw your face when you saw them, before you had all those tequila's, and started dancing on the tables"._ Oliver let out a soft chuckle at the memory of her innocent oblivion to how strong tequila was back then. _"Leo pulled you off the table, threw you over his shoulder and took you home. Callaghan sorta lost the will to stay sober after seeing you hanging onto Leo upside down and laughing your ass off when he carried you out the door. Then Leo came back, walked in tapped Callaghan on the shoulder and punched him when he turned around. The two of them really got into it, but Leo knew more than what Callaghan did then, so when Leo yelled he's an idiot for breaking your heart, Callaghan just stood there like the lights went on. Like nothing Leo or the world did in that moment could do anything to him, like he was indestructible in that moment. The next day when he took the bullet for you at the bank robbery, I had to sit and watch you crumble at the idea of him dying. When he woke up, and you went to see him and I heard you screaming and crying all the way out in the waiting room, I thought the kid died, but when I ran up the hallway and heard what you were screaming at him, I couldn't help but smile. You were telling him that he's such an ass for taking a bullet without a vest on, when you were wearing one, and how stupid he was for not putting it on when he got to the scene, then you're yelling at him for nearly dying, and you suddenly just scream how much you love him before storming out the room, and running right into me. I swear if you could have seen the boy's face when you left that day you would have understood how your mother felt when your dad walked out that farmhouse after Brennan took him". _

Sammy looked up at Oliver as he smiled at the memories.

_"Really?"_

_"Yup". _

Sammy put her head back down on Oliver's chest, as Oliver looked over her shoulder to see the two figures in the distance.

He figured they'd both eventually show up here looking for her.

Leo was her best friend, they shared the kind of friendship Andy had with Chris and Dov, and they all thought that maybe one day the two would end up as a little more than friends, but that never happened. Leo took Sammy to her senior prom, where he met his wife, and a few years later Sammy met Brandon Callaghan, Luke and Jo's son when she joined fifteen.

_"You'll never lose them Sammy, you're just like them. You're just like your mother with what your father called 'her allergy to silence' and you're strong willed but have the heart of a lion just like her. You love everything and everyone around you, and you're so passionate about being a cop. But you're just as stubborn and one hell of a poker player like your dad. They would have been so proud of you, and I know they would have approved of Brandon, although your dad might have not liked the idea of you marrying a Callaghan that much, but he would have come around, if he saw how he looks at you, and how you look at him, he would have been reminded that he looked at your mother the same way, and her at him". _

Oliver noticed one of the figures walking towards them, as blonde hair flickered in the sunlight.

_"Think so?"_

_"Oh I know so, you're just like them and no-one will ever take that away from you. You're the best part of them both, just better looking than your dad though". _

Oliver felt the relief as he felt her let out a soft giggle.

She had the same dark hair her mother had; she just let it grow longer. She was also the splitting image of Andy, although she had more of a square jawline, similar to Sam's. She also had his dark eyes, and loved to flash her Swarek dimples.

Granted she was as soft as Andy was, but she had Sam's temper and stubbornness that sometimes just got in the way. She would blurt the most random things out at the most awkward time, but she was also blessed with Sam's strong silent character on occasion. She would overthink things just like Andy would and usually second guessed herself or her decisions, but Brandon had a strong personality and was level headed enough to be able to reassure her when she doubted herself.

Just like Sam had done with Andy.

Oliver thought that they would never get it together, but when he saw the boy's face when Sammy left his hospital room that day, he knew that her feelings were returned. He remembered watching Brandon try to find the strength to get out that hospital bed and fail, he just woke up after major surgery and there was little chance of him getting up and going anywhere, no matter how much he wanted to chase after her. She had never gone back to see him after that, even though he knew the boy had been sending her messages through his other visitors, and tried calling her.

Two days later, Brandon had been frustrated at not being able to talk to Sammy, he had ripped out his IV, dressed in clothes that David Epstein, Dov's son had picked up for him and grabbed a cab over to Sammy's, disregarding the foolish fact that he had ripped open his stitches and began bleeding with all the exaggerated movement.

He had knocked on her front door, in the pouring rain and as she had swung the door open, Brandon had simply whispered 'I love you' before collapsing in the doorway.

Oliver had raced over to the hospital when Sammy called him to tell him what happened, and he had found her a sobbing mess, covered in blood in the waiting room. But she wouldn't leave. Nope, Swarek stubbornness and McNally worry, had kept her there until doctors re stitched Brandon's wounds and she was able to see him. And even after that, she had stayed there.

So much like them.

Oliver saw Brandon stop behind them, Sammy still showing no sign of knowing he was there.

_"But it doesn't fix this Uncle Ollie. I... I dunno how to fix it, how to say sorry. I was overthinking it, and I screwed up, and I'm supposed to be getting married tomorrow, and I want to, I really do love Brandon, and I don't think just going home and I'm saying 'I'm sorry, can I have my ring back?' Is gonna fix it"._ Sammy's tears returned as she mumbled her words out, before Oliver saw Brandon nod at him, saying it was okay to tell her he was here.

_"Maybe you don't have to"._ Oliver said, before giving her a tight squeeze and letting her go as she looked up at him in confusion, before she spun around to see Brandon standing behind them.

_"Hey"._ Sammy managed to whisper as Brandon took a step forwards before Oliver smiled at Sammy and walked away.

Reaching Leo who still stood at the gates of the cemetery Oliver smiled at knowing the world had once again righted itself.

_"Think she'll be okay?"_ Leo asked never taking his eyes off the couple that still stood in the distance.

_"Yeah, so will they"._ Oliver smiled as he patted Leo on the shoulder. Traci had done the most amazing job raising both the kids.

Oliver turned to take one final look at the kids standing off in the distance when for a moment his eye caught sight of something he would swear he saw till the day he took his last breath.

It was only for a split second, the sun's rays stinging his eyes for a second, making visibility very bright.

Till his final breath, Oliver Shaw would swear that he saw Sam and Andy standing off in the distance, watching Sammy and Brandon as they finally embraced. They looked the same as the last time he had seen them, still wearing the same masks of love they had then, only now, he could swear he saw them smile with pride and look at their daughter with the most respectful gazes imaginable.

She was after all part of the Swarek Legend that in its own right was enough to be proud of. She was born out of the love her parents had for each other, and he wasn't saying that just because he was a hopeless romantic.

He had been there to see their story unfold, and although their life lights were snuffed out way too soon, there was a reminder to see every day that their love had been given a chance because her father had finally decided one thing - when it came to Andy McNally, he just simply wanted to be with her.

****** The End**

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**Jelly Bean Jenna**


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